The Conversations of a Long Distance Couple-Jealousy

By: Kelly

I thought I’d give you a snippet into my relationship by copying and pasting some of our online conversations from the summer. I'm not including anything personal and we're both open people so none of this will be soul-bearing or deep I'm afraid. But honestly, that would be boring. I’m showing you the funny/extreme examples so try not to judge too harshly. We’re more normal than we seem, I promise. (Actually that’s a complete lie) I tried to categorize them to give it the semblance of organization. Disclaimer- 99% of what we say to each other is sarcastic or a joke so bear that in mind.

On pretending to be jealous:
Me: I got the guy at Dunkin Donuts to put my application on the top of the pile
Him: slut
Me: I didn't do anything
Him: Were you showing shoulder!
Him: NECK
Him: LEG
Me: Shit you're right I have to go find a funeral pyre.

Me: NO TALKING ABOUT OTHER WOMEN
Him: eh fuck this I'm gonna go watch porn. Jk. Let me rave about your beauty.
Me: Shut up. Don't even think about it…
Him: flaxen hair of golden spun
Me: GO
Him: Eyes like diamonds glittering in the light
Me: WATCH
Him: A smile more blinding than the sun
Me: PORN

Him: You better not be fucking a bunch of guys in D.C.
Me: I'm not going to be learning any moves from these kids. I doubt they know their basic anatomy. One of the professors was trying to make a point and used a relationship and sex as an analogy and then he looked around and thought again and was like, "Well maybe you can relate that to literature."

Me: (discussing how I listen to the music of a mutual friend) He has a good voice.
Him: *gets jealous*
Me: There's no attraction there. Get thyself to sleep.
Him: *gets suspicious*
Me: You're right, I'm just waiting for you to leave so I can talk to him.
Him: YOU'RE WITH HIM RIGHT NOW ADMIT IT.

Me: He's still #2 most important to me, after my sister (talking about my dad)
Him: YOUR MOTHER BORE YOU.
Him: Wait wait wait. More than me?
Me: Lol your daddy has to be the most important man in your life until you get married.

Him: Why are you talking to strange boys?
Me: Because I'm a dirty whore.