The Conversations of a Long Distance Couple-Sex

Apart from when we're pretending to be jealous of each other, sex comes up a lot for a couple who can't have it.

Me: You better tell me when that becomes all you care about.
Him: What, sex? I'm about five years too late.

Me: We were never pathetic virgins though.
Him: Yeah, I was just an asshole and you were stuck up.
Me: We've changed so much.

Him: Well in the future assume first, ask questions later.
Him: Like if you're wondering if I want to have sex.

Him: I think I understand music now.
Me: Haha what, sexual frustration?
Him: Basically.

Him: Nothing you could do could make me leave you.
Me: Challenge accepted. Just kidding, but really it would be quite simple. What did I read today? "Men need to learn that they are always slave to their penises far more than we are", or something like that.
Him: Lol BS, you need my cock.
*five minutes later*
Him: Okay you were right.

Him: *not paying attention, thinking about fucking you*

Me: I just downloaded Bon Jovi. I deserve to be with an ogre forever.
Him: Well I don't listen to music so you're good
Me: ummm I also love American Idol? And type likee thiss?
Him: You better put out

Him: This is your cutest picture.
Me: haha thanks
Him: It's not really a compliment is it? It could be a terrible picture but relative to the others, it could be the cutest.
Me: Jerk.
Him: I'm a jerk for pointing out the flaw in my compliment?
Me: Idk I'm supposed to call you names and pretend to be offended. Flirting 101. I don't make the rules.
Him: Sorry. If you insist, we can do that. As long as you continue to gratify me sexually.
Me: lol I've never wanted to do that, it's just a societal habit. Flirting vapidly I mean, not gratifying you. I'm good with that.

Him: (talking about a friend's mom) She waited on me hand and foot like you need to do for me.
Me: Bullshit, you won't let me.
Him: Bullshit, you just sit there and tell me to make and bring you food.
Me: Well, yeah. Can you imagine me surviving in the 50's? I cannot.
Him: You can't cook, I'm pretty sure you hate laundry. I think you like baking but that's just because you're a fatass. Can you sew?
Me: No but I'll clean sometimes and watch kids and provide sexual favors so I'm a keeper.