Dating Mistakes Women Make

By: Monica

SURPRISE! Yahoo! has done it again! They are in the right one more time, ladies and gentlemen. Check it out:

Dating Mistake #1: Being Too Available

We’re not suggesting you play games, but we are telling you to indulge your passions and resist the urge to abandon your social circle every time your new man sends an invitation. Take Sebastian, 34, from Chicago, for example: “When I was single, there were women I initially liked who seemed to be waiting by the phone for me to call, which let me know if I didn’t meet someone else I wanted to date, I had a standby. There just wasn’t anything to work for, and that turned me off,” he says. The more you engage in and enjoy your life, the more he’ll work to be a part of it.

ME: Memorize the above and keep it only second to the Bible.

Dating Mistake #2: Trying to Rehabilitate a Bad Boy

Ending a relationship is rarely easy, and though flying solo might not be your long-term goal, being on your own is better than feeling alone in a relationship with someone who treats you poorly. Even when it might be tempting to give a toxic romance one more try, knowing when to cut your losses and move on leaves you available and baggage-free when the right guy comes along.

ME: I agree except I cringe at the use of the word "Bad Boy". A Bad Boy isn't necessarily an abuser or a crappy boyfriend. Those are called abusers or crappy boyfriends. A Bad Boy is just a Category 1 or 2 that is a bit of a rebel. Girls like that and it isn't a bad thing.

Dating Mistake #3: Looking for Perfection

Encouraging you to settle isn’t our style, but separating your desires from your deal-breakers can give your love life a major upgrade.

ME: Kelly once put it best. You can't just accept a guy's flaws; you have to embrace them.

Dating Mistake #4: Feeling Sorry for Yourself

Resist the urge to bemoan your single status (which will only make him wonder why you find yourself such terrible company) and use this time to date yourself. Taking a dance class at the local studio, hitting up the exhibit you have been aching to see and trying out the new wine bar on the corner will not only offer you the chance to have more fun but will also leave you more likely to meet someone who shares your interests. So much better than sitting in your apartment waiting for someone to “wink” at your online profile picture, isn’t it? Another bonus? You’ll have far more interesting things to talk about over dinner than what your boss made you do on your lunch break last Friday.

ME: Single is the one word that gives you a plate of freedom served with a side of opportunities. Take advantage until you find the person that makes you full and want to empty that plate right into the garbage.

Dating Mistake #5: Knowing His Thread-Count Before You Know His Phone Number

Getting it on with a sexy stranger is your natural-born right, but according to many guys, it can be the wrong move if you’re looking for long-term love.

Follow the advice of super-sexy leading man Gilles Marini (he was Samantha’s sexy neighbor in Sex and the City: The Movie): “Men love women who respect themselves and who do not rush into bed with them but instead go on a few dates, where they can start to gain an understanding of each other and then decide whether or not to take things further. Women need to know that taking it slow and getting to know one another is the best way to get into a good relationship,” he says.

ME: This one is a "whatever floats your boat". Just some off-the-shoulder advice.

Dating Mistake #6: Being Too Selfish in Your Relationship

One of the downsides of being independent is that it can lead to some self-absorbed tendencies—a huge turnoff for men looking for a serious relationship, says Ming Gregory, a professional matchmaker at Color Blind International Dating Service. So make sure you’re giving as much as you’re receiving in your next relationship. “A partnership involves two people who share mutual interests and mutually benefit one another,” she says. “It’s not just about what being with him can provide you; it’s about how you can come together to complement each other.”

ME: I'd rather see someone smile because of something I did for them than recieve a gift myself. Maybe that's just me (and Kelly).

Dating Mistake #7: Believing in The One

“A lot of women make dating more difficult by placing so much pressure on themselves to find the one-and-only-man-in-a-billion they believe is right for them,” says Ali, 35, from Gaithersburg, Maryland.

Instead of convincing yourself the ex you dumped was your soul mate or that perfect-but-married co-worker was your one that got away, take a cue from our male counterparts and approach the dating scene with the idea that there are plenty of men who are capable of making you laugh, sharing your values and melting your heart, and you’re going to have fun with several of them until you find one worthy of your commitment.

ME: Though I personally don't, you can believe in soulmates or "the one". There is nothing wrong with that. However, the point is not to go out searching for him/her and narrowing your choices to a Prince Charming. Usually the person is not who you expect it to be.

Dating Mistake #8: Forgetting Your Manners

We can’t imagine this is something you’d ever do, but a little reminder never hurts: Say thank you.

“Good manners have become so old-fashioned that men now wait for the thank-you at the end of the date as a way to see if she’s worth seeing again,” says Brian, 30, from New York City. “I don’t care if the woman looks like Kate Beckinsale and has a Ph.D.; if she can’t be bothered to utter those two little words, I am never calling her again.”

ME: I'm a firm believer in manners. This shouldn't just apply to dating life, but to all aspects of life in general. Believe it or not, it will take you farther than you expect.

Rambling Through the Avenues of Time

By: Kelly

Here's a clip from one of my favorite shows, Flight of the Conchords that pokes fun at the idea of romantic context:



Quote directly after this part:
Jemaine: "So your excuse for not getting the bread is because you were on a fantasy date? Why don't you go on a real date?"
Brett: "Well cause they're never as good as fantasy dates."

Why you can never "give your heart away"

By: Kelly

One of my favorite sources of inspiration for this blog is literature. Before you scoff at me for using Jane Austen and Charlotte Bronte as learning material, let me just say I don’t form my opinions based off of the stories, because I fully admit they are idealistic. However, the general themes of the books are hugely applicable to real life. I take those themes and examine the world around me to flesh them out and see if they hold any water. Many times they do, and many times they don’t.

Today I was rereading Wuthering Heights for a second time and I reviewed a part when one of the characters, Isabella, is talking about how she "gave her heart" to Heathcliff and I had to literally stop and reread it a few times. To set it up a little bit, in the story, Isabella falls madly in love with “Heathcliff”. I put his name in quotations because it is not really him she falls in love with, but her false perceptions of who he is. She becomes overwhelmed and blinded by the context she put up around him. When I read the line when she claimed she “gave her heart” to him, I realized that that is a phrase people use all the time but is actually very misleading. This is because real love is never a choice. You cannot give your heart away because everyone does act out of self-interest and anyone who chooses to give their heart away would always subconsciously keep a huge portion of it to themselves. We're no more capable of figuratively giving our hearts away than we are capable of literally giving them away. In true love, your heart can only be stolen from you.

It is true that many girls who wear their hearts on their sleeves are always looking for a chance to "give their hearts away”. They conjure up allusions of giving their hearts away because they like the idea that they are bestowing a precious gift on someone else and also because they do want that fairy tale relationship in which their prince always protects them. However, that is never actually love, even if it feels as if their hearts are breaking when they face rejection. While they are making themselves vulnerable by exposing their weaknesses, hopes and expectations, they aren't giving away their hearts or actual love. It's the context thing all over again- it's an example of building up a fantasy and expectations in your mind but it isn't actually giving your heart away. This "fake love" bypasses the heart- it's completely a product of your mind even if the symptoms are felt elsewhere. It’s like brain cancer- the root of the problem is in your brain but the effects are felt all throughout the body, causing many to falsely label the disease as a broken heart rather than a broken brain. That might be cold and harsh, but it is the truth.

However, I do believe in unrequited love. Unrequited love is very difficult to distinguish between the false love I mentioned before. This is because in both instances, the symptoms are very similar- heart ache and rejection. The difference is that unrequited love is real love- the person in love actually sees the other person as they truly are, in their entirety, and falls head over heels for those qualities. In the “fake love” example I listed before, the person in love does not actually see the subject of their admiration in a true light. Unrequited love is a far scarier scenario to be involved in because in that case, your heart truly is stolen, but the person who stole it either a) isn't even aware that they did so, in which case they are wielding a weapon unknowingly or b) they stole it without wanting it and are truly that evil. In unrequited love, you are at the other person’s complete mercy and recovery cannot occur until you stop loving them or they start loving you- neither of which you control.

At this point, you’re probably thinking, “Oh my God, I should guard my heart closer than a fat boy would guard cake. If I don’t, I run the risks of letting context consume me and falling into false love, or I might become a slave to unrequited love.” If you are thinking that, you are right- you should guard your heart as closely as you can. Even though I spoke about it somewhat callously and sarcastically before, it is true that your heart is the most precious thing you have (apart from your pride). However, while you should never try to give your heart away, you shouldn’t be afraid of having your heart stolen. It’s pretty much inevitable. As I said before, real love never is a choice.

This is why the best methods in winning someone over are always the subtle, sly ways. A guy or girl should never be able to see it coming because if they do, not only does it make your job as the pursuer harder but it lessens the experience for them. It’s like going to see a movie where you can predict the ending within the first five minutes- sure it might be an ending you like but it’s never as satisfying as one of those movies with a shocker twist at the end that leaves you mind-blown. The chase really is the most important part because without it, there is no catch. The chase is such a fleeting part of most relationship but it is the part the two of you will always look back on with fondness and imitate in little ways. Because it is so limited, you want to do it right. Girls and guys alike might claim that they like it straight, with no games or surprises, but all evidence shows this isn’t true. People run from predictability because it is boring. If you feel as if you are making a decision to love someone, or feel as if you are bestowing a gift (in the form of your heart) upon them, chances are your relationship will be lacking and isn’t based off of anything substantial. So guard your heart, look for the big picture, try to avoid getting caught up in context, but realize at the end of the day, we are all slaves to love and if we want to experience true love, at one point, we’ll wake up and realize our hearts belong to someone else. And that will be the best plot twist you’ll probably ever experience.

The Girl Paradox

By: Monica

Whoever denies this to be atleast 98% accurate needs a serious reality check. This, coming from a girl who wholeheartedly admits to preferring the "bad boys" over some of the nicest guys I know- who bear the title of JUST FRIENDS.

Context is Everything: Part Two

By: Kelly

Luckily, we do have some control over context because so much of it is our own creation. Every person who has felt their hopes and dreams come crashing down and has experienced a reality check knows what I’m talking about. Part of it is always our fault for not expecting it- we build up expectations and assumptions and see things in a delusional way rather than see them through the cold, glaring outlook that the world has. Just like all great artists, we have to accept that our creations are just that- our mementos to life. Our personal diaries, our novels, our plays, our songs. Nothing more and nothing less.

How can you avoid being controlled and overwhelmed by context? Never have any expectations, only hopes. Stay grounded and take life as it comes. Realize that at the end of the day, you really don’t know a thing. If you do that, you’ll have a stronger sense of control and the blow of disappointment will never hit you quite as hard.

We make context for everything, including people. That is when context is most dangerous. The worst thing you can do is see a person as more than a person, or less than a person. I’ve written about this several times on our blog before. But it is so easy to fall into- in fact, it’s impossible not to. Every couple goes through a stage in which they see the other as infallible or “more than a person” but the shorter this time frame is, the better, because the disillusionment is essential for any relationship to be successful. Otherwise the entire relationship will be a puff of air, rather than a puff of air with a truly strong center which is what all good relationships are.

Recognize that context is a great tool, but like all tools, you have to know how to use it or it can cause more harm than good. Hold on to the center of a relationship- the core of reality that is surrounded by context. What is that core? It’s the truths that you and your partner share- what remains when all your expectations and assumptions are stripped away- your love and trust for each other and all of the qualities that bring out the best in the other person. It’s the nitty-gritty details of the relationship. It is all of the reasons you love spending time with someone rather than the daydreams you have about them when they aren’t around. Essentially, the core is not only all the ways your partner makes you happy, but also all the ways they bring out the best in you and make you a stronger person. We love people who make us love ourselves. It goes back to the question we always ask ourselves deep down: “What will I gain from this?” If the answer is acceptance but also confidence and independence but also dependence, you have a good, strong core. All good relationships are power couples- they are mutual sources of energy that feed off of each other and only grow sturdier. So we’ve come full circle- it really all does come down to self-interest. And that isn’t a bad thing.

Context is Everything: Part One

By: Kelly

Disclaimer: My next couple of posts are going to look more like chapters out of a Harry Potter book than short, snappy blog posts but bear with me because I have to get through some fundamental points in order to expand later on. Unless you have a strong foundation your argument holds no ground. So even though they're long, I promise that they are mind-blowing and interesting ;)

A good 90% or more of every relationship is based on thin air. A tiny core of substance is shrouded in layer after layer of obscure, filmy material that can vanish in a second. What is this material? It’s whatever you make of it- expectations, hopes, desires, fears, assumptions. As you get to know a person, many times you are adding another lie for every truth you discover. This is because when we find out details about a person’s life, we are learning just as much about ourselves as we are about them. The more we learn about ourselves, the farther we get away from the person we intended to get to know, if our selfish natures are left unchecked. Every single person’s goal in life is self-motivated. Even the most altruistic, charitable person is essentially self-centered. Sure, they say they do what they do to help others, but if helping others didn’t give them a sense of fulfillment, pride, or gratification, they would not do it. Even the person who sacrifices himself for his wife or daughter is acting in self interest. He might think he is doing it to “save them” in that moment, but essentially he does it because he doesn’t think a life without them would be worth living. He would rather be dead than live without them. Therefore, he is doing what is best for him.This is not a bad thing- it’s a means of survival. We will always do what we think is right for us. So when we learn about another person, we are always internally asking ourselves, “What does this mean for me?” The answer to that question becomes the material I mentioned at the beginning. The answer becomes the context by which we view everything and everyone. The context is our personal bias.

How do I know the vast majority of every relationship is made up of context? Anyone who recognizes the truth that “you can never love someone as much as you can miss them” should undertand what I mean by context. This is because we build up our emotions and the way we view a person to a point where they can never reach out expectations. We see people the way we want to see them rather than how they truly are. Sure, we can try to be nonjudgmental and unbiased but we will never fully succeed. No matter how much you want to understand someone, there will always be a layer separating you from that person because of the differences each of you has acquired as a direct result of your experiences and mindsets. No one ever truly understands another person’s point of view unless they share it in its entirety. It’s like John Green said- “Isn’t it also that on some fundamental level we find it difficult to understand that other people are human beings in the same way that we are? We idealize them as gods or dismiss them as animals.” If we did completely understand a person’s thought process in the exhaustive detail in which it was originally created in their head, we would never say that that person is wrong. We would think the same exact way they do. What is true for one person is false for another. That is context.

Context in and of itself is not a bad thing. It’s necessary and it is what makes us individuals and what makes us human. Animals don’t have it and that is why they all think in one instinctual mindset. Life isn’t about breaking loose from context; it’s about building it but also recognizing its severe limitations. We’re all individual artists sculpting our own creations in the form of our mindsets- the treasure troves of knowledge, experience, stories, and personal truths that lie in a mass of matter inside our heads. The danger comes in to play when we see context as reality. Context is a beautiful thing- it’s what allows two people to look at a painting and see completely different scenes with completely different meanings- but unless we recognize that essentially, it is just a painting- a mixture of color, texture, and chemicals- we run a risk. We run a risk of becoming so immersed in our own vision that we fail to see anything else.

So since we should not and cannot get rid of context, we have to learn to work with it, to craft it in such a way that it won’t consume us. We have to tailor it to best fit our needs but also to ensure that we always have our eyes focused on the bigger picture. Failing to see the big picture is the most common and most disastrous mistake people make when it comes to relationships. Give me an example of any split or rejection, and nine times out of ten I can find the source of the problem in context. Either the person went into the relationship by being blinded by their bias and expectations (i.e. they fell in love with love or with their definition of a person rather than the actual person- more on this next post), or halfway through a relationship, they lost their way and forgot to focus on the big picture (i.e. they stopped seeing things from their partner's point of view).

My government teacher once shared an analogy with our class that has always stuck with me. He said that, if you compare life to a football game, most people spend their time in the bleachers. They can only see the game up close- they scream their heads off for the players on the field and can only root for one team because they are so immersed in the emotional rush of the moment. The truly wise people in life however, view the game from the blimp. They can see the big picture. They see the game in its entirety in which all of the people are just pinpricks of color on a larger, more beautiful stage. The people in the bleachers are consumed by their context while the people in the blimp have learned to work with theirs. That's why so many relationship experts harp on communication- in a relationship, you always have to try to view it from the other person's eyes rather than your own so you can anticipate their needs.

April Fool's!

By: Monica

In commemoration of April Fool's Day, I thought it fitting to give you guys some ideas on how to prank your significant other. Here are some of the easiest to pull:

*WARNING*: I assume you all know how far is far enough for you and your spouse. Please don't push that limit over the edge because in the end, the joke will be pulled on you.

1. Pretend to win a Fulbright Scholarship. "Oh, Peter, Tierra del Fuego isn't *that* far away, and two years'll be gone before you know it. Can you stop thinking about yourself for once and just be happy for me?" If you're in an especially cruel mood, you can draw out this gag up until the time you're supposed to leave for the airport.

2. Tell him you've adopted an obscure religion. "I'm sorry, Henry, but the rites of the Estonian Pentecostal Fourth-Day Adventist Charismatic Church really mean a lot to me, and it's not that big of a deal to convert. Although in your case, there may be a bit of surgery involved. Look, I've brought you some literature!"

3. The old "saran wrap over the toilet bowl" never fails. Make sure to pull it before he wakes up when he's really sleepy. Leave the lights a bit dim so he won't see his reflection, and make sure it's pulled extra tight so no ripples are showing! Unlike this person:



4. Tape a few jumbo party poppers to a door frame. Then, tie all the strings together and tie them to the door handle so when he/she opens the door, they all go off at the same time. I have pulled this on one of my friends once. Funny story actually. I bought 10 of the jumbo poppers filled with confetti and set up the prank. My friend opened the door, and the poppers went off *POP *pop* *POP* *POP* *pop* *POP* *POP* *pop* *POP* *POP*. Needless to say, he assumed the fetal position with his hands covering his head because he thought he was being shot at. When the popping finally stopped, he looked up and realized he was covered with confetti :)

5. Make sure you are out of the house the entire day. Then, call him late in the evening and tell him you need him to come bail you out of jail. Then, make up a reason. My friend once pulled this on her boyfriend and when he asked "What for?" she fabricated a story that it was for prostitution and she was only working on the streets to earn some extra money. She let him chew on that for a couple minutes before letting him know it was a joke.

Be cautious and have an amusing April Fool's Day :)