Conversations with A Long Distance Couple 2

Last one, I swear.

On “how was your day”?
Him: I didn't ask about your day
Him: i DON'T GIVE A SHIT
Him: lololol
Him: keep going
Him: jk

Him: I'm so fucking pissed.
Me: Why?
Him: Work. I covered for someone and it was the worst day ever. The boss was being a bitch.
Him: But I'm not gonna bring that home.
Him: Honey, how was your day?

On idealism:
Him: I just put you on a pedestal.
Me: One day when we aren't together anymore you'll see clearly.
Him: One day *if* we're not together.
Me: Maybe you still will one day even if we are together.
Him: You should be worried if I don't put you on a pedestal
Me: I guess i just don't think that way
Him: Yeah I'm the naive idealist. You're the cold-hearted realist.

Him: What do you think 90% of lucid dreamers are trying to do? FLY!...and then try to have sex.
Me: How did that work out for you?
Him: It didn't. I always lost control when I started talking to my fantasy woman. Too hard to focus and produce dialogue for two people.
Me: Why didn't you skip the talking?
Him: You're forgetting this is my pathetic fantasy. It couldn't just be a hook up.
Him: See, dreaming can be cool. Do you still hate it? Because I'm going to bed.
Me: Even if I could control it, I would still hate the idea of dreaming.
Him: What could be wrong with hallucinations and amnesia while comatose?
Me: Forced escapism.

On political arguments:
Him: Fuck the state. I don't think in legal terms.
Me: I think you would probably live a different life if that were true.
Him: How so?
Me: *list of illegal activities he does only in the comfort of his own home and hides*
Him: Psh.
Me: Wow you're right what a startling and convincing response. What was I thinking?

Him: THE WORLD WOULD BE SO MUCH BETTER IF WE JUST ABOLISHED THE STATE YOU GUYS I'M SUPER SERIAL.

Him: You mad bro? Oh you're mad.

Him: Unless the author is referring to emperors in general...BUT IT'S NOT THE FUCKING PRAETORIAN GUARD.

On parting:
Him: Bye. Maybe I'll talk to you again sometime.

On male dominance:
Him: I want some fasces or a toga
Me: Planning on fratting it up?
Him: No but fasces would be cool as hell to play with.
Me: Bundle of sticks symbolizing power?
Him: Don't forget the axe. Lictors were the body guards that certain roman officials were entitled to have. They were granted imperium, or the power to command men and the rods and axes symbolized their authority to punish or execute according to the law.
Me: So you would like to pretend you have imperium?
Him: No I just wanna hit stuff.
Me: From my experience, it deviates from the same impulse.

Him: *sends me picture of a girl with huge boobs holding a giant fish she just caught. He had recently changed his profile picture to one of him holding a slightly smaller fish* This girl I hate just changed her picture to that.
Him: I feel like it's a challenge.
Me: Well I don't think your boobs will ever be the size of hers.
Me: Oh, you meant the fish.

Me: This guy is destroying me. He just said the only difference between me and a cadaver is that the cadaver is probably good enough looking to make it onto a crime investigation show.
Him: Lol
Him: i mean, I'm gonna kick his ass

On clingyness:
Him: (types a ton of stuff that I don't respond to)
Him: Keeps talking...feels pathetic...
Him: Wall of text...neediness levels rising...

On pretending to dump me:
Me: Have you been skiing before?
Him: I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DON'T KNOW. IT'S OVER.
Me: Understandable.

Him: Oh God, *mutual friend* just IMed me saying "hey you"
Me: She probably just wants to have sex. But why is that an "Oh God"?
Him: Hey you? That's an annoying thing to say.
Me: Good to know the things that annoy you >:)
Me: Speaking of which, like omg did you get football tickets?
Him: I'm dumping you.

And just proof that we have the occasional cutesy conversation and aren't as dysfunctional as I made it appear:
Me: Still feeling like shit?
Him: Well now that you're talking to me
Me: Lol
Him: I feel much better.

I didn't want to repulse you with the lovey dovey stuff haha.