Lesson Time

By: Kelly

Now that I've been in a relationship for a semi-decent amount of time, I thought I would impart my vast bank of knowledge on you. Because you know, life is completely different once you have a boyfriend. Except not at all...Still, I guess I can tell you what I've learned. It isn't groundbreaking stuff; most of it is really obvious. But it's the kind of stuff that I always used to subconsciously doubt in the back of my mind so maybe I can lend it some more credibility. Because I'm so credible.

Lesson #1: Remember when I complained about the way girls invade your privacy once you get a boyfriend? How I bitched about the way they swarm around you with their incessant congratulations and badgering about how the two of you got together? I got what I wanted pretty quickly because everyone shut up pretty fast. In fact, it turns out what people do later is even worse than their original reactions to your changed relationship status. After you've been dating your significant other for a month or so and they see that you are still blissfully happy but not nauseatingly so, the subject of your relationship becomes completely taboo. If you dare bring him up, even in the context of the conversation, you get reproachful looks and hasty topic changes. I wish I could understand this but I really can't. Is it because they don't have what you have? Is it because back when they were congratulating you, they never really expected your happiness to last? Is it because they no longer feel needed by you and feel threatened by your non-dependence on someone else? Because at least if I were dependent on my boyfriend, I would run to my friends at the first sign of trouble because I would need comforting and another crutch to lean on. Whatever, the world may never know.

Lesson #2: Relationships are very anti-climactic in the best possible way. Before you have a real one, they're just this enigmatic concept that seems to transcend human understanding. Sure on paper a relationship is two people who share common values, enjoy spending time together, and are attracted to one another, but in reality, there must be something more MAGICAL than that. Relationships are christened with mystical holy water of which only taken people can be blessed. But no, it turns out relationships are no different than any other aspect of life- strange, wonderful, complicated, and painful from time to time. Relationship relationships aren't all that different from the other types you've had throughout your life and they aren't something of which to be scared. Your partner should be your best friend first and your lover second. As long as the foundation is something familiar and stable, nothing will be too foreign to you to handle. Sure it will feel like work sometimes and you'll hate it but nothing worthwhile comes easy in this life.

Lesson #3: Except, I lied. There is something unique about relationships, obviously. While the thrill of the chase is the uncertainty and the newness, the thrill of a relationship is the certainty and the familiarity. You're probably saying, duh. But what was revolutionary about this to me was that I could actually enjoy the benefits of a relationship as much as the benefits of the chase. When you're single, you revel in feeling special because you're the object of the attention of a bunch of guys and are owned by no one. When you're taken, you revel in feeling special because of that attention from the same guys except you are even more unattainable to them because there is no hope for them whatsoever. AND you get extra attention from a guy who worships you because he won what he thinks should be un-winnable. It's disgusting, the lengths a girl will go to in order to have her ego flattered. (I seem to recall saying the same about guys in one of my first posts...) I always thought I would be bored and dissatisfied because I'm the girl that runs away and analyzes but now I honestly believe every girl has the possibility and likelihood of finding someone who she will one day allow to catch her. The warm fuzzy feelings are just as good as the pulse and mind racing ones. And that still boggles my mind on a daily basis.

Lesson #4: All that garbage about the importance of communication? 100% true. A relationship won't survive a week if you let your pride get the best of you and you refuse to talk about something. Otherwise resentments just build up and build up and it doesn't take long for them to completely halt everything. Granted, in my relationship tension is generally released when my boyfriend drunk texts me and if he weren't so blunt the rest of the time, I would see that as highly dysfunctional. But luckily he is very blunt. He never hesitates to tell me something because he thinks it will hurts my feelings. And as a result, I know everything he says is real. When he compliments me, I know it isn't fake flattery but completely genuine and therefore much more valuable. Me? I tend to not tell him the good or the bad and hold onto all of my cards which is probably bad, but I'm working on it.

Lesson #5: Sex doesn't change a thing. I was warned by multiple friends that it would mess everything up based on their personal accounts but honestly, all sex does is enhance the way things already are. If there are insecurities there, they will be exacerbated. If there is manipulation or uncertainty, it will multiply after sex. But if things are generally good and you are confident in yourself and your relationship is healthy, it isn't going to change a thing. You will be amazed. I think parents and society brainwash girls into thinking the second they have sex, they are going to feel guilty, dirty, used, and hurt but it definitely doesn't have to be that way. The only reason a girl would feel that way is if she had sex with a guy as a favor to him or for some other equally stupid reason (everyone else is doing it, to make a guy like you more, etc.) As long as you do it because you want to enjoy it selfishly in addition to it being a way to get closer emotionally to your partner, you'll feel no regret; in fact, you'll feel empowered. Don't let sex become another mind game. It's way too good for that.