Conversations with A Long Distance Couple

Cont'd. Really, I'm just posting these for myself to look back on. You may or may not find them amusing.

On marriage:
Him: Lol love
Him: Who said anything about love
Him: I was talking about marriage

Me: I should just pretend I didn't understand her little sex talk and be like, "Mom I thought I wasn't supposed to have sex unless I was married."
Me: Joking aside, I mentioned to her that i'd rather elope than have a wedding and she said she would kill me.
Him: Your mom would kill you for running off with me?
Me: Supposedly
Him: Isn't that what you're doing come fall?
Me: i don't think we're running off anywhere.


On changing for other people:
Me: I'm not going to try to be liked. I either will be or I won't be.
Him: Jesus, I tried to make you like me
Me: But I liked you all along
Him: Psh, like that mattered. You're about as readable as a brick wall. Or maybe I'm as literate as a dog.

Me: It doesn't seem fair that I've always been cynical and will only become more so as I age. Maybe I'll be naive and sweet someday.
Him: And on that day I will dump you

Him: Oh I have a problem with you. You're too normal and rational. I need you to be ridiculous like a girl.
Me: I actually got a little panicky at the thought of having to do that. But if that's what you want...
Him: No, hell no. And I'm not sure you could do it.
Me: I couldn't. Not for an hour.
Him: :)

On lesbians:
Him: Strong independent women are always lesbians or stuck up in real life
Me: :(
Him: Besides you of course
Me: Uh-huh.
Him: <3
Him: Whoops meant to send that to Phil

Him: You shoulda stayed friends with her. You could be hitting that.
Me: Blah I can't compete with a lesbian just go have your threesome with her and her girlfriend.
Him: What no. I want to have a threesome with you and her.

On being shallow:
Him: What would you think of me getting my head shaved?
Me: I'm not sure I could look at you with a straight face and I might make you paper bag it during sex.
Him: What. You're so shallow.
Me: It'd only be shallow if I dumped you. I'd just tell people you had cancer.
Him: Well I wouldn't get it all the way shaved. Just a crew cut.
Me: Oh well that's different. Get it cut however you want.

Him: Are the sorority girls at least attractive?
Me: By normal standards they'd be like 7's/8's. Here they're like 12's.
Him: What are you on your scale:
Me: In their own minds, all girls oscillate from 0 to 10 depending on the day. Uh, i mean I would never attach a number to myself. That's degrading. And shallow.
Him: I'm kinda shallow. If you were fat, we would be friends.
Me: Well yeah, I would say the same. So I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.
Him: Obviously you're a woman

On fighting:
Him: Are you following this?
Me: Thanks I'm actually not retarded.
Him: Really I couldn't tell. What with going to see a shitty CGI circlejerk of Spielberg's.
Me: Lol
Him: Omg we were fighting and you ruined it. Now we have to go back to being abnormal and never fighting.

Me: I done answered wrong. You went from a drunken confession of your feelings to setting a break-up date in the future.

Him: Why?
Him: Talk to me.
Him: TELL ME ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS DAMN IT.