So she likes you....now what?

By: Kelly

Through this blog, Monica and I have touched briefly on how to increase interest levels and on how to keep a relationship going, but we haven't really explained how to go from the first to the latter. That is what this post is about.

Establishing a relationship is all about timing. Just like in sports such as diving, tennis, or gymnastics, if you don’t make exactly the right movements at exactly the right times, you will belly flop, miss the ball, or fall off the balance beam. All the momentum you built up will fall apart and come to an abrupt stop with too many clumsy mistakes. Remember to act as if you only have one chance with a girl- because it’s probably true. While girls sometimes give out second chances, winning a girl over a second time is a thousand times harder than it is the first time and almost never has the same level of success. If you want a relationship with someone, you have to know how to start the momentum, keep it going, and slow it and stop it at your will. You have to learn to exercise control and fight your natural impulses.

There are essentially two steps every guy must follow in order to be in a relationship with the girl of their choosing: 1) Show the girl why she should like you, and by doing so, make her like you and 2) Show her why she should be in a relationship with you by gaining not only her admiration/attraction, but also her trust.

Each of the three categories of guys has different problems when it comes to timing.

Category Threes: When it comes to the first step (getting a girl to like them), most Category Three guys move too slowly- so slowly in fact, that it doesn’t look like they are moving at all. Because Category Three guys cannot succeed in faking confidence, in order to show a girl why she should like you, you have to take advantage of the Truth Factor, which Monica and I have referenced before. Be yourself and make sure she sees your best traits and qualities. Show her that you believe in yourself, even if you aren’t exactly confident. If you can, use some of the more simple techniques of The Game- even Category Three’s can benefit from tactics like the Jealousy Factor, albeit on a lesser scale. No matter what you do, do something because otherwise you will probably remain invisible to her. Try to take some initiative and make her notice you. To use another sports analogy, if you don’t step up to the plate you’ve automatically struck out.

In regard to the second step (actually establishing a relationship), Category Three’s tend to have the problem of going way too fast as soon as they know a girl likes them. They are the type of guys who aren’t afraid to express the way they feel once they think they have been accepted, but this can lead to a lot of problems. Girls tend to run away just as much as guys do when their potential love interests get clingy and overwhelm them with their excitement/admiration/puppy love. So really, Category Three’s have to fight their own instincts. In order to succeed at step one, they have to put themselves out on the line and move faster, and when it comes to establishing a relationship, they have to move slower. Don’t cave in to her desires so quickly, no matter how strongly you feel. Allow there to be a bit of a chase. It will only make her want a relationship with you more (as long as her interest level is high enough- if not, you didn’t really succeed at step one). Once you are in a relationship with her, it will be a lot more stable than it would have been if she went into it with doubts as to whether or not you are really a “catch”.

Category Two's: So what problems do Category Two’s have with timing? Basically the opposite of Category Three’s. Category Two’s are the ones who make it their goal to “get girls” so upper Category Two’s at least, tend to be very good at the first step while lower Category Two’s think they are. Category Two’s get girls to like them through confidence and more Game tactics than Category Three’s use. However, the problem with Category Two’s is that they can get stuck on the first step without being able to progress to the second step. This is for a few reasons. For some Category Two’s, it is because they don’t recognize the benefits of being in a relationship with some of the girls they make it their goals to win over. These are the wannabe players. However, most Category Two’s are just as desperate for a girlfriend as the lowest Category Three guy. So for these Two’s the reason they get stuck and the reason the momentum stops is because they do not know how to stop playing games.

This might be confusing because Monica and I always say, keep The Game going throughout a relationship, don’t let it die. But there is a difference between The Game and playing “lesser” games. The Game is an honorable way of interacting with the opposite sex to maximize interest level and to keep the momentum flowing. Mind games, however, are just cheap tricks to access short term satisfaction. They will never earn you a successful relationship if you do not have a grander plan in mind. They are tools but if you don’t know how to use them properly, they can break things just as easily as they can fix them. Many people have a hard time differentiating between The Game and just “games” because there IS some overlap. There are some tactics that both types of game players use, but the difference is rooted in intentions- if the tactics are used for noble/more innocent purposes (to form a relationship), it is The Game and if they are use for a quick fix (one night stand), it is just “games”.

Another hugely important point to remember is that there is an in-between point after the “courting” phase and before the “relationship” phase. This is the crucial moment when the two people decide to be in a relationship- the make or break moment of the performance- the last thirty seconds on the clock to score a goal. This moment is absolutely essential and cannot occur until the two people involved decide to be one hundred percent honest and open with each other. Even Category One’s drop The Game for the briefest of moments in order to establish relationships- think of Alex, the Category One who ends up with Gigi in He’s Just Not That Into You. Even though he knew all the right tricks, he also knew that in the end, he had to be completely honest and open to get what he wanted. He came over, knocked on her door, and confessed his emotions pretty bluntly. There is a point in every potential relationship when this has to happen in order for any future between the couple to exist. A girl will say yes if she likes and trusts you enough, but no girl will confidently say yes to someone she doesn’t trust. Trust is possible for people who play The Game because their motives were pure from the start, but it is not possible for people who hide behind lies and petty mind games.

This isn’t to say all Category Two’s do this, but some do. However, some Category Two’s just get stuck between 1) and 2) because 2) takes more skill. The skills that separate Category One’s from Category Two’s are: a more nuanced understanding of formulating goals (Category Two’s make it up as they go while Category One’s always have a larger plan and can anticipate how situations will turn out), understanding what it is you want and what is best for you (Category One’s are introspective and learn to work with their weaknesses while Category Two’s often deny the truth when it comes to certain aspects of their character), and understanding how to get it. Category Two’s have a harder time than Category One’s do in knowing how to show their vulnerability while also remaining strong- they tend to either try to play tough and never admit how they really feel even when they know a girl likes them, or they tend to crumble (if they are a lower Category Two). However, for Upper Two’s, they have to learn to swallow their pride in order to get what they truly want. They have to learn that while they succeeded in getting the girl to like them, their work isn’t done yet. They still have to prove that they could provide stability in a relationship- and stability isn’t something girls usually see in the more restless, free-spirited Category Two’s.

So how can they change this mindset? By treating the girl they want as if you are already in a relationship with her (this isn’t to say you should become a control freak, extra mushy, or anything else people sometimes associate with relationships, but rather you should try to emulate a good relationship in which The Game continues on). Show her what if would be like if she were to date you- say surprisingly nice things- not just flirty things, but notice parts of her life you didn’t acknowledge before. Listen attentively and respond accordingly. Don’t act as if you own her, because that will definitely repel her, but show her that you care about her and would watch over her- most girls like the security guys provide. Show her how much fun you two would have- talk to her like a best friend. Confide in her. If you can’t trust her, she won’t trust you. Invite her to do things you know she would enjoy (if you are friends with her friends, ask them if you aren’t sure). Don’t get lost in the “act” though because if she feels pressured and as if you are coming on too strongly, she will bolt. Be subtle, don’t change the way you treat her and continue to play The Game, but also enhance your behaviors and improve upon them. Show her that you can settle down with her and actually want to. Be consistent- if your words don’t match your actions, you will never have a chance. Ever.

So again, it is all about timing. It is up to the guy to a) read the signs that show it’s possible to win a girl’s attention and interest, b) act on it through the Truth Factor, confidence, and The Game and then, once she shows she is attracted to you, you have to recognize that you have moved to stage 2) and consequently have to step up your game- which always means fighting your natural instincts. For Category Threes and Lower Category Two's, this means scaling it back a little bit, slowing down, before approaching her about being in a relationship. For Upper Category Two’s and even some Category One's, this means letting down the shield a little bit and moving a little bit faster.

Where'd the "Fire" Go?

By: Monica

When in doubt, refer to Yahoo! and its dating section. Whenever I visit, I'm always in for a laugh. We've covered their good advice, their bad avice, and now it's time for a mix. So, here we go again. This time it has to do with keeping the "fire" in your relationship. What does Yahoo! have to say about this? Take a look:

"Do you long to feel that passion again? Here are [five] simple ways to put the fire back in your relationship -- and keep it there:

1. Don't forget date night. It's been said a thousand times, but it's true. Couples who forget to go out on dates tend to treat each other like furniture in the house. You need to have a date together every week. Get dressed up for each other. Go out to a restaurant, a ballgame, or just take a walk together. It doesn't matter where you go as long as you do something different from your usual activities. When you're on your dates, treat each other the way you did when you first started dating."

Me: This IS a good tip. Just like too much of anything, the same old- same old can get monotonous. Try switching it up a bit.

"2. Give a proper greeting. When your significant other comes home at night, meet them at the door and give them a big kiss. Don't just yell, "Hey, how ya doing?" from another room. If you are the one coming in the door, go to wherever your partner is in the house and give them a big kiss. Little gestures like this go a long way."

Me: Again, I must agree with this tip. If you're busy with something and your partner understands, it's excusable but if you're plastered on Facebook and feel too lazy to talk to your partner when he/she arrives home, that not only tells them something about how you feel, but also tells yourself; you're not digging it anymore.

"3. Keep on kissing. When you wake up in the morning, make sure you kiss your partner. Forget about morning breath. Who cares?"

Me: ... I do. And I'm sure your partner will too. So, please, why not get up and give your teeth a quick maintanence check-up before kising anyone in the morning? I'm sure they will appreciate it.

"4. Break the routine. A big part of keeping the fire burning in a relationship is stirring up the daily routine. One of the best ways to do this is to set a romantic mood. Light candles. If it's a night you normally watch TV, why not light candles throughout the entire house? Do anything that's out of your normal routine."

Me: Hey, if that's what floats your boat, go right on ahead. However, make sure your partner is into that kind of stuff as well. Maybe they're not the romantic type (trust me, we're out there).

"5. Send a "no special reason" message. Send your significant other little notes in the middle of the day, just telling them that you love them or that you're thinking about them. With email and texting, this is so simple yet so powerful. You can even leave a quick voicemail. That one "I love you" message will make your partner feel happier."

Me: I'm a big advocate of notes. I love notes. Notes left in the refrigerator, on the bathroom mirror, inside the drawers of the dresser, in the glove compartment of your car, anywhere. But remember, one every once in a while is enough. No overkill.

Why there is No Room for Pity in any Relationship

By: Kelly

Want to see a self-perpetuating, ever-whirring cycle of energy? No, it won’t be found in the NASA Research Center or found within Bill Gates’s brain, but can be found every single day on teenagers’ facebook pages. Unfortunately, this isn’t positive energy. If the world could be fueled by angst, however, we’d have a global solution on our hands. Because all around the world, there are constantly people who spin themselves into a cycle of self-doubt and cynicism when it comes to relationships.

Confused? Let me explain. Picture this scenario: Alex (could be male or female) gets rejected or dumped. Alex then becomes depressed and feels defeated enough to give up hope of ever finding love. Alex constantly blames the opposite sex for his/her problems and begins to play the victim. Alex wonders what is wrong with him/her and determines her/his own worth based upon what others think. With an attitude like that, how can Alex expect any sort of a healthy relationship when he/she doesn’t even have a healthy state of mind? This is the “pity trap” so many people fall into.

It’s simple really- nobody wants to be with someone who bases their happiness solely off of being in a relationship (except for like-minded people). In general, neediness repels and a sense of independence attracts. Needy people are generally the ones who find themselves rejected over and over- because they pick the wrong people out of their desperation to be with someone or because their partners become sick of their clinginess. Every time I hear someone make a general comment like, “All guys are just jerks who set out to break girls’ hearts” or “All girls are liars” I want to say, “No, just the ones you associate with.” The worst part is, so often friends support this type of venting because they want to appear sympathetic but really they are just encouraging this cycle of self-pity. Not to say that friends shouldn’t be there for each other when they go through relationship issues, because that is an essential role in any friendship- to be the shoulder someone can cry on. However, while a true friend will be sympathetic, if you see your friend making the same mistake over and over again, you owe it to them to bring it to their attention so they’ll have a chance at a better relationship in the future.

So far, I’ve been speaking about people in general but now let’s get gender-specific. Girls, my first word of advice: don’t go posting your relationship woes on the internet or in public. The catharsis might feel good for about two minutes as you express your raging feelings on your status or at school, but this advertises you as unstable and frankly, pathetic and won’t make you feel good in the long run (dwelling on the past only keeps you from moving forward). Both sexes are attracted to people who are strong and resilient- everyone wants a partner: someone who will work together with them to face life’s challenges, not someone to babysit. If you are constantly vilifying the opposite sex and crying about your problems, you aren’t doing a very good job of promoting yourself. Big girls don’t cry [in public]. Ladies, after a fallout with a crush or a break-up, feel free to have a good cry fest with your mom or best friends. Go ahead and try to eat your way out of your pain, take time to wallow and watch a sappy love movie if that’s how you cope. But do it in the private setting of your own house, and then move on, even if you feel like you’re dying on the inside. All women should live by this quote: “hold your head high, gorgeous, cause they're all waiting to watch you fall.”

Now for the guys: although you tend to do a better job of keeping your emotions in check, your egos still take a huge hit many times when you are rejected and as a result, you can lose your confidence. This is suicidal for future relationships, because if you don’t believe in yourself, why should someone else? Promotion only works if the person selling the goods truly believes in their value. If you want a relationship, it is all about self-promotion. This is the best quote I’ve seen on the topic: "That woman was sexy...Out of your league? Son. Let women figure out why they won't screw you, don't do it for them." Other favorite quote on the topic? “pain heals, chicks dig scars, and pride is forever”.

Sound harsh ladies and gents? Well as much as I hate myself for quoting this song, “love is a battlefield” and sometimes you have to suck it up when it hurts if you want to make it out alive.

So basically, it comes down to a few simple rules. Number one, if a relationship ends badly, you have to move on and understand that the next one does not have to be like the rest. Always go in with a fresh attitude or else it will never work.

Number two, don’t pity yourself because as I’ve said before, nobody wants to be your psychologist. Even once you’re in a relationship this rule holds true- not only does self-pity keep you out of relationships, it is one of the sure-fire ways to get out of one in the first place. Don’t complain, explain. Don’t feel bad for yourself; if something is the matter, DO something about it.

Number three, don’t blame the entire opposite sex for your problems. Not all guys/girls are the same and to think so is idiotic. Your expectations in high school should never be all that high, quite honestly. My photography teacher said it best: “Guys are assholes, girls are crazy bitches, and high school relationships are almost never meant to last, they just sort of point you in the right direction.” All people mess up, so don’t have unrealistic expectations and relish the experience.

Take a break if you are the type of person who finds themselves in constant heart ache. Focus on yourself and your goals, learn to love yourself as you are without depending on someone all the time and once you are strong enough to stand on your own two feet, and the right person comes along, things might be different.

If you are the kind of person who is too cautious and is always rejected because you don’t think you’re “good enough”, learn to fake it and eventually the feigned cockiness will probably become real. Take chances and don’t become jaded to love. If you don’t put yourself out on the line you’ll never capture any hearts as this song proves:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dbTbR75CN-I&feature=fvw

Just Friends?

By: Monica

This one's for the guys.

I'm sure every single one of you has been hung up on a girl one time or another and has tried every concievable way to "win her over". Well, tough luck. Women do not work that way. In reality, females decide whether there is a chance for the guy within the first three minutes of meeting him (Actually, the time slot is narrower than this, but all women are different so for the sake of an average, it shall be three minutes). Unfortunately for guys, sometimes the female is unaware of this herself. This is when she is able to waste your time. The fact of the matter is, sometimes girls just want a boyfriend. Not every girl, mind you. Yet some make an extremely bad habit out of it.

Look at it this way. You can't have the cold without having the nasal congestion, or the sore throat, or the droopy eyes. They go hand in hand. Same goes in this situation. You can't have the need for a boyfriend without clinging to the one you have or suffocating the one you want to be with. My point? That is the first sign of a girl who doesn't know what she wants. Her interest level is below 50%. She wants to be with you for the sake of being with you, not for the person you are. How is she able to do this, though? Why did she pick you and not some other random guy that could deal with her addiction? Frankly, it is due to one of two things. Either you asked and she, grasping the opportunity, complied, or you made your self too available and therefore made it too easy for her. A girl likes to feel as if she's in uneasy waters at the beginning of a relationship. She doesn't want a guy tripping over her feet. If she really needs a loyal servant following her around, there's always an animal shelter somewhere around the corner.

Any more signs? You ask. Oh yes, plenty. Other women are more forward with their decisions. If she ever drops hints of just wanting to be friends, or says that you should take a break and date other people, or even tries to convince you and make it look like your idea that you two are anything less than "in a relationship", it ain't gonna happen. EVER. Unless you want to waste your life away, convincing yourself that one day she will come to her senses and fall for you, it is time to move on.

Lesson of the day: If you show interest and she declines, don't try to convince her otherwise. I must quote Doc Love on this one: "Never try to keep someone who doesn't want to keep you."