Happy Belated Birthday, Blog!

In all the craziness that has been Christmas with the fam, the birthday of our beloved blog has been overlooked. HOWEVER! Before the New Year, I must congratulate you, dear blog, on your first birthday. It has been a bumpy but fantastic first year!
Kelly and I will be celebrating today with a Regina Spektor marathon and either Mark Wahlberg: The Boxer or perhaps a potentially once-in-a-lifetime crappy Reese Witherspoon movie. I highly doubt this because Reese is my favorite but there is a first for everything.

Anyhoo,


And A Happy New Year to all of our lovely readers!

Let's Get Something Straight...

By: Monica

Time to debunk a myth. Contrary to general thought, a guy should NOT tell a girl what she wants to hear. Surprised? Bear with me on this one, it’s going to get complicated.

There is only one reason for this, and it is the female’s fault. A woman THINKS she knows what she wants to hear, but she is oh, so very wrong. Because, in fact, that which she believes she wants to hear is exactly what she DOES NOT want to hear. I’m not talking about specific words or phrases, but of the general “sweet talk” that is so highly used in romance movies and associated with ideal men and (unrealistic) “changed” bad boys alike. In real life, a woman would cut the crap.

Example:

A Woman’s List of Perfect Character Traits in a Man:

1. Tells her he loves her every day.

2. Tells her she’s the only one for him.

3. Coos her to sleep during her emotional breakdowns.

4. Calls her every day to remind her of how special she is to him.

5. Tells her she is beautiful every chance he gets.

6. Supports her in everything she does/thinks without needing to understand.

7. Is sexy.


Now to prove that all of these traits should not be on a woman’s list because she really does not want them there:

1. Monotonous. Expected. Annoying. It WILL become annoying, I promise.

2. Though (I know) irrational, this makes a red light appear in woman’s brain that flashes, “You can do better!” Every girl wants to be part of someone’s life, not the entire thing. The second you make it clear that she is your only option, you do two things:

a. Awaken her to the world of men out there who don’t consider her their “only one”. She has already won you over, now you are boring and can be discarded. The saying goes, “marriage needs work.” Hell yeah it does. This is what women consider work. And they love it.

b. You have just set her future in stone (if you have it your way) and this will make her run. Who honestly wants to know how the rest of their life will turn out? I don’t want to know that you are the one I will end up being with. If you tell me I am your only option for a shot at love, I am going to get rid of that only shot for you. Sorry.

3. At this, my first reaction would be to tell you to “be a man”. But I realize that is harsh and that millions of girls will come at me with pitchforks (tomatoes for the little ones) for instructing men not to be the kind and sensitive lover they have always wanted. I get it. HOWEVER, the greatest comfort in life is knowing you have a rock. Not a second cry-buddy. That’s what your female friends (and maybe your mother) are for. Cooing is like ice cream: It makes you feel better at the beginning but too much will make you vomit. And, girls, you know deep in your heart that the best thing to do is get up and DO something. Get your mind off all the shit that is clogging up your life. That is basically where the rock comes in. It’s there for you to lean on when you need a break from chaos but it will also help you develop a tougher skin. Now, which sounds better?

4. Again, monotonous and annoying. The phrase isn’t that special if it’s said every day, is it?

5. AGAIN. Monotonous and annoying. Not to mention, if a girl hears this all the time then the moments she really needs to hear it, she won’t. She’ll hear the same words she’s been hearing for however long. It loses its touch after a while. Don’t wear it out.

6. This I never understood. Common sense tells you that you do not support something because someone tells you to support it, but because you understand it and agree. You do not vote for Obama because your friend tells you to, but because you agree with his political views on how the country should be run. You do not date someone because someone merely tells you they are a good person, but because you have witnessed it for yourself and agree. Common sense, right? Right. So, how can you expect someone to agree/support you in things they do not understand/agree with? I don’t get it. If you cannot convince someone or make a situation clear without it sounding crazy, you have no relevant premise. And on the opposite side, what man in their right mind would support something they do not understand? Tell me, HOW IS THIS REASONABLE? If a woman cannot fathom the fact that you would like a little clarity on the situation or if she cannot handle that you disagree with her, why would you want to waste your time with her anyway? Girls love to argue. We will pick a fight just to get some feedback from you. When you don’t catch on, we get bored.

7. Sexy is too feminine of a word. A female can be sexy. I’d rather a man be described by a manlier word. Okay, maybe that is just my opinion. However, if the item on the list was true, 95% of men that walk the Earth would not have anybody. Women have the ability to look past physical imperfections (jk) and appreciate someone for their depth. Honestly, women like any type. There is a reason why there are not crowds of men rushing into fitness centers. They don’t need to.

Make sense? There is a fine line between reality and what you see on the TV screen. The credit should really go to the film's soundtrack composers who do a great job of covering up the awkward silence in the background with inspiring and uplifting melodic lines that make you sigh in anticipation for that one kiss. Yes, they are hired for a reason.

Recommendation #2

http://thefrenemy.tumblr.com/

This blog is one of my absolute FAVORITE things. Like, so much so that she would easily take up two of the slots in my Guilt Free Three List. Examples of her brilliance:

Girls are Psycho:

"Luckily for you, you will never quite find out how insane I am. You don’t know that I stare at my phone to see if I can will a message to appear. And you have no idea that sometimes, I incessantly go over all kinds of events in my head so I can break them down and see what I did to have really fucked them up. I make my friends tell me over and over again if ‘this was a bad sign’ or ‘this amount of time means what’ and the list goes on and on. Once again, only my good friends will see this happen. I am a behind-the-scenes insane person, only because if I like somebody or something or anything at all, I want to not lose it and have it like me, too. Or I want to be successful at it. I’m not just talking dates and love or whatever. I’m talking EVERYTHING. Jobs, success, even making a good fucking cheesecake. Do I want to be the best? No, I want to be noticed that I’m at least borderline decent. And if I’m not, I will go inwardly insane. I will set aside two or three days or hours to beat myself up. And then I will drink some spiked eggnog (do people actually drink eggnog without booze? Nuts) and get over it. And you will never know it happened. That is crazy? I’d say so. Oh, and I like yellow hot dog mustard on my vegetables and rice. Just sayin’.

The real reason I am telling you this is for one simple reason: Please treat everybody like they are insane. I mean this: every single person you come into contact with, handle them as if they are just nuts. As in cautiously and very, very thoughtfully. Go out of your way to let them know your actions: “okay I’m going to move this cup over to THIS sink now, slowly and with large tip-toe steps.” You may think we look tough and mean and scary and strong, but we are not always. We are insane. We are sadly on the brink of stalking out houses and wearing our hair in one giant dreadlock. Handle us with care. You hear that? Handle us with care. But please, please, whatever you do- don’t let us know you’re doing it. We’re strong, remember?! REMEMBER?!?!?!"

On Long-Distance Relationships:

"LDR’s are like going to the doctor’s office: if you’re going just for the yummy lollipop and the possible pain meds at the end, you’re a stupid but fun moron. If you have a really important and life-threatening reason to go there, than you just have to power through and deal. I basically mean ‘for the sex and fun’ kind of love, it’s a bad idea. But for the ‘we’ve dated longer than a year and I know what sucks about this person already’ kind of love, try it if you can.

Oh, and you have to deal with the fun pain of not being around the person you have finally found you can boom with on the regular and likes you enough to keep you around. Because that’s sooooo easy to find. I forgot about that! Plus, statistics show it most likely will end. Having fun yet?! Whatever, fuck you, I’m single.

Sidenote: If you’re in college? Don’t fucking DO it. DON’T!! Go have some unattached fun!"

I'd love to go on, but this is long enough. Basically, just read the whole blog.

Recommendation #1

By: Kelly

Since we pretty much fail epically at posting, let me direct your nonexistent attention to two other blogs:

http://bbs.chrismoore.com/viewtopic.php?t=7415

I don't really understand how a hobo-looking guy in a camo hat can write about what he did/does but I guess it goes to show not all guys who know a thing or two about romance are tall, dark, and handsome. He basically writes about the three different categories of men from an evolutionary perspective which is pretty genius, dividing it into alpha males (category one and high category two) and beta males (low category two and category three). The only issue I took with him was how much he ripped apart the Beta Male. He made them all sound like the extreme wimps and nerds which I know he did for humor, but if you're going to say 7/10 guys are betas, you should at least point out that shows they all have different personalities/interests.

A few excerpts I loved:

His opinion on women:

"(For the purpose of the article we’ll ignore species like killer whales, elephants and lions, where the Alpha animal and leader of the group is female. The “big teeth” of the Alpha female is cooperation, which has the effect of making all male strategies seem silly. These examples just confuse the issue and cause undue uppityness among human females.) "

Perfect definition of a Category Two:

"The rich fantasy life of the Beta male may often spill over into reality, manifesting in a near-genius levels of self-delusion. In fact, many Beta Males, contrary to any empirical evidence, actually believe that they are Alpha Males, and have been endowed by their creator with advanced stealth charisma."

"Beta Males do not lead countries, they run them. And those who fail to recognize the distinction tend to fail not only as Beta males, but as human beings in general." -I really liked this point, especially when you apply it to relationships. Like he says in the quote before, most Betas don't know that they are Betas which is why they go on to make so many mistakes rather than embrace the truth factor which is what will really work for them.

"When Alpha boys have long since moved on to girls and sports, Betas, in order to sublimate their frustrated sex drive, will still be pursuing pyrotechnics well into adolescence and sometimes beyond. Alpha males may lead the armies of the world, but it’s the Betas who actually get shit blowed up."

"Everyone is happier if he has someone to look down on, as well as someone to look up to, especially if he can resent both. This is not only the Beta Male strategy for survival, but the basis for capitalism, democracy, and most religions."

"Almost no Beta will reach his twenties without having had the object of his affection snatched from his grasp by an Alpha male, then when she is cast off, finding himself used as a cushion for her landing and the unwitting springboard for her next launch at the Alpha bachorlorama. The Beta is the trampoline the female world refers to as just friends."

"Your girlfriend is generally in safe hands with a beta male, unless, of course, she is a complete slut."

"After you’ve been kicked to the curb by a few Alpha Males, the idea of waking up in the arms of a guy who will adore you, if for no other reason than gratitude for sex, and will always be there, even past the point where you can stand to have him around, is a comfortable compromise."

"Spotting the Beta in traffic is easy. He’s the one in front of you, in your lane, going just enough over the speed limit to not allow you to righteously flip him off or call him an ass-bag, but not quite fast enough to actually get you where you’re going on time. The Beta style of driving, or the RID method (Righteous Indignation Deprivation) is a major cause of road rage, freeway shootings, and alcohol consumption among other drivers."

Men, Consider Yourselves Lucky...

By: Monica

...That you are not a male Angler Fish. It sucks. Just look at this:

Talk about love, eh?...

http://theoatmeal.com/comics/angler