By: Monica
Sometimes I wonder about the little things that irk us throughout the day and make our seemingly burdened situations even more burdened. There are all sorts of minor improvements that could make life a more joyous state, or perhaps a bit more bearable at the very least. I want glasses that don’t slip off my nose and typewriters that don’t actually involve me having to type. I want pre-washed fruit and cows not to fart methane gas so I don’t have to concern myself with how much pollution they are contributing to the already global problem. I want potato chip bags to close themselves after I’m done taking a handful so I don’t have to worry about them staying crispy and fresh. I want for mechanical pencils to never run out of lead. I want shoes to tie themselves and for high heels to feel like sneakers. I want my car keys and cell phone to float around at my side so I never lose track of them. I want airplanes to let me pick my seat when I get on them. I want carpets to never scrunch at the corners of my bed. I want band-aids to stay on and ibuprofen to work within the first five minutes and maybe for life to be a little less complicated.
But, then again, these little hindrances define our humanity. Life is filled with the emotions we exchange with our fellow human beings. And animals. And, most importantly, ourselves. How your nose wrinkles every time you prevent your glasses from slipping off of your face. The determined look you get when typing vigorously. The way you care to run the apple under warm water before drying it off and handing it to me. The laugh you emit when you find out that cows fart methane gas. The scowl you throw me when you bite into a stale chip because I failed to close the bag correctly. The trip to the store to buy more lead for my mechanical pencils—and another bag of chips—thus forcing me to interact with society. The way you offer me your arm to lean on when my heels start to cut off the circulation in my feet. Your relieved expression when I find the car keys wedged in the backseat of my van. The excitement of searching for my assigned seat on an airplane. 46 ABC… 47 ABC… 48 ABC. Your sigh when I ask you to help me straighten out the carpet for the fourteenth time this month. When you hand me a Superman band-aid because you noticed my Ninja Turtles one is coming off. When you pack a bag of ice for my head and tell me pointless stories until I fall asleep. These are the countless emotions we pass through each other on a daily basis. This is the beauty of life’s complexity.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Conversations with A Long Distance Couple 2
Last one, I swear.
On “how was your day”?
Him: I didn't ask about your day
Him: i DON'T GIVE A SHIT
Him: lololol
Him: keep going
Him: jk
Him: I'm so fucking pissed.
Me: Why?
Him: Work. I covered for someone and it was the worst day ever. The boss was being a bitch.
Him: But I'm not gonna bring that home.
Him: Honey, how was your day?
On idealism:
Him: I just put you on a pedestal.
Me: One day when we aren't together anymore you'll see clearly.
Him: One day *if* we're not together.
Me: Maybe you still will one day even if we are together.
Him: You should be worried if I don't put you on a pedestal
Me: I guess i just don't think that way
Him: Yeah I'm the naive idealist. You're the cold-hearted realist.
Him: What do you think 90% of lucid dreamers are trying to do? FLY!...and then try to have sex.
Me: How did that work out for you?
Him: It didn't. I always lost control when I started talking to my fantasy woman. Too hard to focus and produce dialogue for two people.
Me: Why didn't you skip the talking?
Him: You're forgetting this is my pathetic fantasy. It couldn't just be a hook up.
Him: See, dreaming can be cool. Do you still hate it? Because I'm going to bed.
Me: Even if I could control it, I would still hate the idea of dreaming.
Him: What could be wrong with hallucinations and amnesia while comatose?
Me: Forced escapism.
On political arguments:
Him: Fuck the state. I don't think in legal terms.
Me: I think you would probably live a different life if that were true.
Him: How so?
Me: *list of illegal activities he does only in the comfort of his own home and hides*
Him: Psh.
Me: Wow you're right what a startling and convincing response. What was I thinking?
Him: THE WORLD WOULD BE SO MUCH BETTER IF WE JUST ABOLISHED THE STATE YOU GUYS I'M SUPER SERIAL.
Him: You mad bro? Oh you're mad.
Him: Unless the author is referring to emperors in general...BUT IT'S NOT THE FUCKING PRAETORIAN GUARD.
On parting:
Him: Bye. Maybe I'll talk to you again sometime.
On male dominance:
Him: I want some fasces or a toga
Me: Planning on fratting it up?
Him: No but fasces would be cool as hell to play with.
Me: Bundle of sticks symbolizing power?
Him: Don't forget the axe. Lictors were the body guards that certain roman officials were entitled to have. They were granted imperium, or the power to command men and the rods and axes symbolized their authority to punish or execute according to the law.
Me: So you would like to pretend you have imperium?
Him: No I just wanna hit stuff.
Me: From my experience, it deviates from the same impulse.
Him: *sends me picture of a girl with huge boobs holding a giant fish she just caught. He had recently changed his profile picture to one of him holding a slightly smaller fish* This girl I hate just changed her picture to that.
Him: I feel like it's a challenge.
Me: Well I don't think your boobs will ever be the size of hers.
Me: Oh, you meant the fish.
Me: This guy is destroying me. He just said the only difference between me and a cadaver is that the cadaver is probably good enough looking to make it onto a crime investigation show.
Him: Lol
Him: i mean, I'm gonna kick his ass
On clingyness:
Him: (types a ton of stuff that I don't respond to)
Him: Keeps talking...feels pathetic...
Him: Wall of text...neediness levels rising...
On pretending to dump me:
Me: Have you been skiing before?
Him: I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DON'T KNOW. IT'S OVER.
Me: Understandable.
Him: Oh God, *mutual friend* just IMed me saying "hey you"
Me: She probably just wants to have sex. But why is that an "Oh God"?
Him: Hey you? That's an annoying thing to say.
Me: Good to know the things that annoy you >:)
Me: Speaking of which, like omg did you get football tickets?
Him: I'm dumping you.
And just proof that we have the occasional cutesy conversation and aren't as dysfunctional as I made it appear:
Me: Still feeling like shit?
Him: Well now that you're talking to me
Me: Lol
Him: I feel much better.
I didn't want to repulse you with the lovey dovey stuff haha.
On “how was your day”?
Him: I didn't ask about your day
Him: i DON'T GIVE A SHIT
Him: lololol
Him: keep going
Him: jk
Him: I'm so fucking pissed.
Me: Why?
Him: Work. I covered for someone and it was the worst day ever. The boss was being a bitch.
Him: But I'm not gonna bring that home.
Him: Honey, how was your day?
On idealism:
Him: I just put you on a pedestal.
Me: One day when we aren't together anymore you'll see clearly.
Him: One day *if* we're not together.
Me: Maybe you still will one day even if we are together.
Him: You should be worried if I don't put you on a pedestal
Me: I guess i just don't think that way
Him: Yeah I'm the naive idealist. You're the cold-hearted realist.
Him: What do you think 90% of lucid dreamers are trying to do? FLY!...and then try to have sex.
Me: How did that work out for you?
Him: It didn't. I always lost control when I started talking to my fantasy woman. Too hard to focus and produce dialogue for two people.
Me: Why didn't you skip the talking?
Him: You're forgetting this is my pathetic fantasy. It couldn't just be a hook up.
Him: See, dreaming can be cool. Do you still hate it? Because I'm going to bed.
Me: Even if I could control it, I would still hate the idea of dreaming.
Him: What could be wrong with hallucinations and amnesia while comatose?
Me: Forced escapism.
On political arguments:
Him: Fuck the state. I don't think in legal terms.
Me: I think you would probably live a different life if that were true.
Him: How so?
Me: *list of illegal activities he does only in the comfort of his own home and hides*
Him: Psh.
Me: Wow you're right what a startling and convincing response. What was I thinking?
Him: THE WORLD WOULD BE SO MUCH BETTER IF WE JUST ABOLISHED THE STATE YOU GUYS I'M SUPER SERIAL.
Him: You mad bro? Oh you're mad.
Him: Unless the author is referring to emperors in general...BUT IT'S NOT THE FUCKING PRAETORIAN GUARD.
On parting:
Him: Bye. Maybe I'll talk to you again sometime.
On male dominance:
Him: I want some fasces or a toga
Me: Planning on fratting it up?
Him: No but fasces would be cool as hell to play with.
Me: Bundle of sticks symbolizing power?
Him: Don't forget the axe. Lictors were the body guards that certain roman officials were entitled to have. They were granted imperium, or the power to command men and the rods and axes symbolized their authority to punish or execute according to the law.
Me: So you would like to pretend you have imperium?
Him: No I just wanna hit stuff.
Me: From my experience, it deviates from the same impulse.
Him: *sends me picture of a girl with huge boobs holding a giant fish she just caught. He had recently changed his profile picture to one of him holding a slightly smaller fish* This girl I hate just changed her picture to that.
Him: I feel like it's a challenge.
Me: Well I don't think your boobs will ever be the size of hers.
Me: Oh, you meant the fish.
Me: This guy is destroying me. He just said the only difference between me and a cadaver is that the cadaver is probably good enough looking to make it onto a crime investigation show.
Him: Lol
Him: i mean, I'm gonna kick his ass
On clingyness:
Him: (types a ton of stuff that I don't respond to)
Him: Keeps talking...feels pathetic...
Him: Wall of text...neediness levels rising...
On pretending to dump me:
Me: Have you been skiing before?
Him: I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DON'T KNOW. IT'S OVER.
Me: Understandable.
Him: Oh God, *mutual friend* just IMed me saying "hey you"
Me: She probably just wants to have sex. But why is that an "Oh God"?
Him: Hey you? That's an annoying thing to say.
Me: Good to know the things that annoy you >:)
Me: Speaking of which, like omg did you get football tickets?
Him: I'm dumping you.
And just proof that we have the occasional cutesy conversation and aren't as dysfunctional as I made it appear:
Me: Still feeling like shit?
Him: Well now that you're talking to me
Me: Lol
Him: I feel much better.
I didn't want to repulse you with the lovey dovey stuff haha.
Conversations with A Long Distance Couple
Cont'd. Really, I'm just posting these for myself to look back on. You may or may not find them amusing.
On marriage:
Him: Lol love
Him: Who said anything about love
Him: I was talking about marriage
Me: I should just pretend I didn't understand her little sex talk and be like, "Mom I thought I wasn't supposed to have sex unless I was married."
Me: Joking aside, I mentioned to her that i'd rather elope than have a wedding and she said she would kill me.
Him: Your mom would kill you for running off with me?
Me: Supposedly
Him: Isn't that what you're doing come fall?
Me: i don't think we're running off anywhere.
On changing for other people:
Me: I'm not going to try to be liked. I either will be or I won't be.
Him: Jesus, I tried to make you like me
Me: But I liked you all along
Him: Psh, like that mattered. You're about as readable as a brick wall. Or maybe I'm as literate as a dog.
Me: It doesn't seem fair that I've always been cynical and will only become more so as I age. Maybe I'll be naive and sweet someday.
Him: And on that day I will dump you
Him: Oh I have a problem with you. You're too normal and rational. I need you to be ridiculous like a girl.
Me: I actually got a little panicky at the thought of having to do that. But if that's what you want...
Him: No, hell no. And I'm not sure you could do it.
Me: I couldn't. Not for an hour.
Him: :)
On lesbians:
Him: Strong independent women are always lesbians or stuck up in real life
Me: :(
Him: Besides you of course
Me: Uh-huh.
Him: <3
Him: Whoops meant to send that to Phil
Him: You shoulda stayed friends with her. You could be hitting that.
Me: Blah I can't compete with a lesbian just go have your threesome with her and her girlfriend.
Him: What no. I want to have a threesome with you and her.
On being shallow:
Him: What would you think of me getting my head shaved?
Me: I'm not sure I could look at you with a straight face and I might make you paper bag it during sex.
Him: What. You're so shallow.
Me: It'd only be shallow if I dumped you. I'd just tell people you had cancer.
Him: Well I wouldn't get it all the way shaved. Just a crew cut.
Me: Oh well that's different. Get it cut however you want.
Him: Are the sorority girls at least attractive?
Me: By normal standards they'd be like 7's/8's. Here they're like 12's.
Him: What are you on your scale:
Me: In their own minds, all girls oscillate from 0 to 10 depending on the day. Uh, i mean I would never attach a number to myself. That's degrading. And shallow.
Him: I'm kinda shallow. If you were fat, we would be friends.
Me: Well yeah, I would say the same. So I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.
Him: Obviously you're a woman
On fighting:
Him: Are you following this?
Me: Thanks I'm actually not retarded.
Him: Really I couldn't tell. What with going to see a shitty CGI circlejerk of Spielberg's.
Me: Lol
Him: Omg we were fighting and you ruined it. Now we have to go back to being abnormal and never fighting.
Me: I done answered wrong. You went from a drunken confession of your feelings to setting a break-up date in the future.
Him: Why?
Him: Talk to me.
Him: TELL ME ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS DAMN IT.
On marriage:
Him: Lol love
Him: Who said anything about love
Him: I was talking about marriage
Me: I should just pretend I didn't understand her little sex talk and be like, "Mom I thought I wasn't supposed to have sex unless I was married."
Me: Joking aside, I mentioned to her that i'd rather elope than have a wedding and she said she would kill me.
Him: Your mom would kill you for running off with me?
Me: Supposedly
Him: Isn't that what you're doing come fall?
Me: i don't think we're running off anywhere.
On changing for other people:
Me: I'm not going to try to be liked. I either will be or I won't be.
Him: Jesus, I tried to make you like me
Me: But I liked you all along
Him: Psh, like that mattered. You're about as readable as a brick wall. Or maybe I'm as literate as a dog.
Me: It doesn't seem fair that I've always been cynical and will only become more so as I age. Maybe I'll be naive and sweet someday.
Him: And on that day I will dump you
Him: Oh I have a problem with you. You're too normal and rational. I need you to be ridiculous like a girl.
Me: I actually got a little panicky at the thought of having to do that. But if that's what you want...
Him: No, hell no. And I'm not sure you could do it.
Me: I couldn't. Not for an hour.
Him: :)
On lesbians:
Him: Strong independent women are always lesbians or stuck up in real life
Me: :(
Him: Besides you of course
Me: Uh-huh.
Him: <3
Him: Whoops meant to send that to Phil
Him: You shoulda stayed friends with her. You could be hitting that.
Me: Blah I can't compete with a lesbian just go have your threesome with her and her girlfriend.
Him: What no. I want to have a threesome with you and her.
On being shallow:
Him: What would you think of me getting my head shaved?
Me: I'm not sure I could look at you with a straight face and I might make you paper bag it during sex.
Him: What. You're so shallow.
Me: It'd only be shallow if I dumped you. I'd just tell people you had cancer.
Him: Well I wouldn't get it all the way shaved. Just a crew cut.
Me: Oh well that's different. Get it cut however you want.
Him: Are the sorority girls at least attractive?
Me: By normal standards they'd be like 7's/8's. Here they're like 12's.
Him: What are you on your scale:
Me: In their own minds, all girls oscillate from 0 to 10 depending on the day. Uh, i mean I would never attach a number to myself. That's degrading. And shallow.
Him: I'm kinda shallow. If you were fat, we would be friends.
Me: Well yeah, I would say the same. So I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.
Him: Obviously you're a woman
On fighting:
Him: Are you following this?
Me: Thanks I'm actually not retarded.
Him: Really I couldn't tell. What with going to see a shitty CGI circlejerk of Spielberg's.
Me: Lol
Him: Omg we were fighting and you ruined it. Now we have to go back to being abnormal and never fighting.
Me: I done answered wrong. You went from a drunken confession of your feelings to setting a break-up date in the future.
Him: Why?
Him: Talk to me.
Him: TELL ME ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS DAMN IT.
The Conversations of a Long Distance Couple-Sex
Apart from when we're pretending to be jealous of each other, sex comes up a lot for a couple who can't have it.
Me: You better tell me when that becomes all you care about.
Him: What, sex? I'm about five years too late.
Me: We were never pathetic virgins though.
Him: Yeah, I was just an asshole and you were stuck up.
Me: We've changed so much.
Him: Well in the future assume first, ask questions later.
Him: Like if you're wondering if I want to have sex.
Him: I think I understand music now.
Me: Haha what, sexual frustration?
Him: Basically.
Him: Nothing you could do could make me leave you.
Me: Challenge accepted. Just kidding, but really it would be quite simple. What did I read today? "Men need to learn that they are always slave to their penises far more than we are", or something like that.
Him: Lol BS, you need my cock.
*five minutes later*
Him: Okay you were right.
Him: *not paying attention, thinking about fucking you*
Me: I just downloaded Bon Jovi. I deserve to be with an ogre forever.
Him: Well I don't listen to music so you're good
Me: ummm I also love American Idol? And type likee thiss?
Him: You better put out
Him: This is your cutest picture.
Me: haha thanks
Him: It's not really a compliment is it? It could be a terrible picture but relative to the others, it could be the cutest.
Me: Jerk.
Him: I'm a jerk for pointing out the flaw in my compliment?
Me: Idk I'm supposed to call you names and pretend to be offended. Flirting 101. I don't make the rules.
Him: Sorry. If you insist, we can do that. As long as you continue to gratify me sexually.
Me: lol I've never wanted to do that, it's just a societal habit. Flirting vapidly I mean, not gratifying you. I'm good with that.
Him: (talking about a friend's mom) She waited on me hand and foot like you need to do for me.
Me: Bullshit, you won't let me.
Him: Bullshit, you just sit there and tell me to make and bring you food.
Me: Well, yeah. Can you imagine me surviving in the 50's? I cannot.
Him: You can't cook, I'm pretty sure you hate laundry. I think you like baking but that's just because you're a fatass. Can you sew?
Me: No but I'll clean sometimes and watch kids and provide sexual favors so I'm a keeper.
Me: You better tell me when that becomes all you care about.
Him: What, sex? I'm about five years too late.
Me: We were never pathetic virgins though.
Him: Yeah, I was just an asshole and you were stuck up.
Me: We've changed so much.
Him: Well in the future assume first, ask questions later.
Him: Like if you're wondering if I want to have sex.
Him: I think I understand music now.
Me: Haha what, sexual frustration?
Him: Basically.
Him: Nothing you could do could make me leave you.
Me: Challenge accepted. Just kidding, but really it would be quite simple. What did I read today? "Men need to learn that they are always slave to their penises far more than we are", or something like that.
Him: Lol BS, you need my cock.
*five minutes later*
Him: Okay you were right.
Him: *not paying attention, thinking about fucking you*
Me: I just downloaded Bon Jovi. I deserve to be with an ogre forever.
Him: Well I don't listen to music so you're good
Me: ummm I also love American Idol? And type likee thiss?
Him: You better put out
Him: This is your cutest picture.
Me: haha thanks
Him: It's not really a compliment is it? It could be a terrible picture but relative to the others, it could be the cutest.
Me: Jerk.
Him: I'm a jerk for pointing out the flaw in my compliment?
Me: Idk I'm supposed to call you names and pretend to be offended. Flirting 101. I don't make the rules.
Him: Sorry. If you insist, we can do that. As long as you continue to gratify me sexually.
Me: lol I've never wanted to do that, it's just a societal habit. Flirting vapidly I mean, not gratifying you. I'm good with that.
Him: (talking about a friend's mom) She waited on me hand and foot like you need to do for me.
Me: Bullshit, you won't let me.
Him: Bullshit, you just sit there and tell me to make and bring you food.
Me: Well, yeah. Can you imagine me surviving in the 50's? I cannot.
Him: You can't cook, I'm pretty sure you hate laundry. I think you like baking but that's just because you're a fatass. Can you sew?
Me: No but I'll clean sometimes and watch kids and provide sexual favors so I'm a keeper.
The Conversations of a Long Distance Couple-Jealousy
By: Kelly
I thought I’d give you a snippet into my relationship by copying and pasting some of our online conversations from the summer. I'm not including anything personal and we're both open people so none of this will be soul-bearing or deep I'm afraid. But honestly, that would be boring. I’m showing you the funny/extreme examples so try not to judge too harshly. We’re more normal than we seem, I promise. (Actually that’s a complete lie) I tried to categorize them to give it the semblance of organization. Disclaimer- 99% of what we say to each other is sarcastic or a joke so bear that in mind.
On pretending to be jealous:
Me: I got the guy at Dunkin Donuts to put my application on the top of the pile
Him: slut
Me: I didn't do anything
Him: Were you showing shoulder!
Him: NECK
Him: LEG
Me: Shit you're right I have to go find a funeral pyre.
Me: NO TALKING ABOUT OTHER WOMEN
Him: eh fuck this I'm gonna go watch porn. Jk. Let me rave about your beauty.
Me: Shut up. Don't even think about it…
Him: flaxen hair of golden spun
Me: GO
Him: Eyes like diamonds glittering in the light
Me: WATCH
Him: A smile more blinding than the sun
Me: PORN
Him: You better not be fucking a bunch of guys in D.C.
Me: I'm not going to be learning any moves from these kids. I doubt they know their basic anatomy. One of the professors was trying to make a point and used a relationship and sex as an analogy and then he looked around and thought again and was like, "Well maybe you can relate that to literature."
Me: (discussing how I listen to the music of a mutual friend) He has a good voice.
Him: *gets jealous*
Me: There's no attraction there. Get thyself to sleep.
Him: *gets suspicious*
Me: You're right, I'm just waiting for you to leave so I can talk to him.
Him: YOU'RE WITH HIM RIGHT NOW ADMIT IT.
Me: He's still #2 most important to me, after my sister (talking about my dad)
Him: YOUR MOTHER BORE YOU.
Him: Wait wait wait. More than me?
Me: Lol your daddy has to be the most important man in your life until you get married.
Him: Why are you talking to strange boys?
Me: Because I'm a dirty whore.
I thought I’d give you a snippet into my relationship by copying and pasting some of our online conversations from the summer. I'm not including anything personal and we're both open people so none of this will be soul-bearing or deep I'm afraid. But honestly, that would be boring. I’m showing you the funny/extreme examples so try not to judge too harshly. We’re more normal than we seem, I promise. (Actually that’s a complete lie) I tried to categorize them to give it the semblance of organization. Disclaimer- 99% of what we say to each other is sarcastic or a joke so bear that in mind.
On pretending to be jealous:
Me: I got the guy at Dunkin Donuts to put my application on the top of the pile
Him: slut
Me: I didn't do anything
Him: Were you showing shoulder!
Him: NECK
Him: LEG
Me: Shit you're right I have to go find a funeral pyre.
Me: NO TALKING ABOUT OTHER WOMEN
Him: eh fuck this I'm gonna go watch porn. Jk. Let me rave about your beauty.
Me: Shut up. Don't even think about it…
Him: flaxen hair of golden spun
Me: GO
Him: Eyes like diamonds glittering in the light
Me: WATCH
Him: A smile more blinding than the sun
Me: PORN
Him: You better not be fucking a bunch of guys in D.C.
Me: I'm not going to be learning any moves from these kids. I doubt they know their basic anatomy. One of the professors was trying to make a point and used a relationship and sex as an analogy and then he looked around and thought again and was like, "Well maybe you can relate that to literature."
Me: (discussing how I listen to the music of a mutual friend) He has a good voice.
Him: *gets jealous*
Me: There's no attraction there. Get thyself to sleep.
Him: *gets suspicious*
Me: You're right, I'm just waiting for you to leave so I can talk to him.
Him: YOU'RE WITH HIM RIGHT NOW ADMIT IT.
Me: He's still #2 most important to me, after my sister (talking about my dad)
Him: YOUR MOTHER BORE YOU.
Him: Wait wait wait. More than me?
Me: Lol your daddy has to be the most important man in your life until you get married.
Him: Why are you talking to strange boys?
Me: Because I'm a dirty whore.
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