How to Treat a Girl

By: Kelly

I’m reminded now and then of how differently most people view relationship matters from the way I do. One reminder came to me when a friend of mine posted the following article on facebook called “How to Treat a Girl”. Having a feeling this was going to be blog material, I copied and pasted it and made notes as I read it on my opinion about the issue. Read on. (Oh, and I apologize in advance for how long this is *winces*)

How to Treat a Girl
by Lynn Scoresby

(if this isn’t any early warning, I don’t know what is. Lynn? Really? That’s his name? Already this guy screams Pansy. Although his last name hints that there might be something of a player in him…)

Learning how to treat a girl right is one of the most important things any guy can do.

Today teenagers don't go around carrying a handkerchief. But back when I was a young man, having a handkerchief ready for an emergency (like someone crying, for example) (someone? Don’t you mean a girl? Do you also carry around smelling salts to revive her when she swoons from your dominating masculinity?) was considered important. At least, my mother certainly thought so. I was walking out the door on one of my first dates when I heard my mother calling me back. I went inside to find her with a white handkerchief in her hand. (We don’t need men to carry around handkerchiefs anymore- in emergency situations, men now just rip their shirts off in a Taylor Lautner-like fashion.)

"Do you have a clean handkerchief?" she asked. "Mom," I said in that special voice reserved for mothers by exasperated sons. I took the handkerchief because I just wanted to be on my way. I stuffed it into my pocket, and I was out the door without thinking any more about it.

I don't remember much about that date, but I do remember asking my mother afterward why a clean handkerchief was such a big deal. This led to a conversation that taught me about establishing good relationships with young women. Even though having a white handkerchief is probably the farthest thing from anyone's mind before going on a date, the importance of courtesy and respect that my mother taught me is just as important today as it was back then. It is sad that now, instead of mothers giving their sons handkerchiefs, they give them condoms. I do admit that there is a certain charm in “the old ways” and I do like chivalry to an extent, as I mentioned in an earlier post.

Now, I don't mean that I ever treated girls disrespectfully; but I certainly had a lot to learn about how a guy is supposed to act. My mother explained, for example, that as a sign of courtesy young men should

(1) walk ahead of their date in a darkened theater or room, (Most women would actually prefer to walk in front of the guy because EVERYONE has observed a couple in action when they walk into a theater late- the male walks over and gestures to a seat and his partner immediately finds something wrong with it and gets up to find a more suitable seat, not caring that she is blocking people’s views. In most cases, it’s just easier to let the woman pick the seat.

(2) walk on the outside of the sidewalk, next to the road, (This gets my seal of approval; although I doubt I would ever notice that a guy was being courteous by doing so. At least it might keep the guys driving by from wolf-whistling or yelling out, “Ay chica!”)

(3) stand when a girl the same age or a woman enters the room and stand when she leaves,(Last time I checked, this was a requirement of a consort seeking marriage with royalty. Guess what ladies? You AREN’T royalty and your man isn’t your slave. That is just sad- could a guy be any more whipped? If a guy I was dating did that I’d ask him if there was a pincushion on his chair causing the pain that was forcing him to spring out of it every time I got up. The last person to expect people to do something that ridiculous was Louis XIV and he had enough power issues to last a few thousand years.)

(4) wait until the women have been seated (and help them be seated if it is a formal date) before seating myself, (5) don't start eating before your date (Alright, I concede this one is legit but that’s just how I was raised.) (6) always thank a girl after a dance or date, and (7) opening car and building doors and is a sign of respect.

At first I suspected my mother's suggestions for dating etiquette were out-dated - or worse, that they were some kind of female conspiracy transmitted from generation to generation in order to control guys. After I dismissed the conspiracy theory I selfishly thought that if guys did all those nice things for girls, we would be the only ones doing all the nice things. "What are they doing for us?" I thought selfishly. Girls usually aren't the ones to ask us out on a date - or have to deal with being turned down, and they don't have to keep standing all the time, or open doors for the boys. He has a valid point but guess what? There isn’t a thing men can do about it because women will always have veto power. See earlier blog post for explanation as to why. Men CAN however, at least make it LOOK like they’re in control. That should be the goal for men- otherwise women will walk all over you or never be interested in you as more than a friend. Girls that like a challenge are the ones worth keeping. This guy has come to the conclusion that it is easier to just give in to what he thinks women want- but while this may be easier, it isn’t better because even though 99% of them don’t know it, that is not what women want.

Because of my suspicions and selfishness I was undecided about whether I even wanted to try my mother's ideas. But I soon learned that there are some time-honored ways for young men to act, and that young women usually like to be treated in those ways. When people go on dates there are doors, cars, dances, meals, rooms, introductions, and movie theaters. Each of those items represents a potentially awkward situation if the guy doesn't know what to do - believe me, I know from experience.

One such experience came at one of my first dances. Somehow I'd gathered the courage to remove myself from the wall and ask someone to dance with me. The girl I asked actually said, "Yes," and suddenly I found myself out on the dance floor feeling rather uncomfortable. Fortunately, however, some of my friends had found partners also and joined us. As we danced, my friends and I made comments to one another and before I knew it, our talking had turned into a full-fledged conversation that excluded our partners. Immersed in the discussion, I became oblivious to the young lady I was dancing with and somehow drifted off of the dance floor without even realizing it. Back at the wall again I glanced out at those still dancing and, to my embarrassment, saw my partner out on the floor, alone. An awful feeling settled in my stomach. I wanted to do something, but I didn't know what or how to even go about it in an awkward situation like this. So I did nothing. That night, I decided that some of my mother's ideas might be worth trying.

As I did so, the first thing that happened was unexpected. The girls I went out with began to think I knew what I was doing and relaxed around me. The nervousness I sometimes felt disappeared too, and I started having more fun. The more we relaxed, the easier it was to talk. Talking comfortably might not seem very important, but it is the way friendships and liking begin and continue. By communicating well, I also began to get to know girls better.

I'll admit that when I first started dating, I wanted to be seen with girls who wouldn't tarnish the reputation I thought I had to protect. However, after spending time with some young women, having long talks with them and my mother about many things, I found out that girls could be friends without any physical relationship. In fact, some of the dates I enjoyed most were with girls who were fun and didn't worry about trying to make boys like them.

I soon found, though, that I felt better around and preferred the company of some young women over others. After talking about it, my mother suggested that I needed to learn how and why I got along better with some than with others because it would help me when it came time to get more serious about finding someone to marry. So I learned to be observant on a date, to think about why I did or did not feel comfortable. Being observant is SO important for guys to learn because it doesn’t come naturally to men the way it does for women. Being observant is a sure-fire way to become a ladies-man. To be able to recognize the little warning signals in advance will make them think you are in tune with your emotions and are sensitive- something many women like. And even for women who don’t like the sensitive type, they’ll be impressed and relieved that they don’t have to spell everything out for you.

I began to look at those I went out with for the characteristics I thought important, like how well they communicated, their sense of humor, what they believed about religion and what they thought about themselves. I didn't think much about it then, but I know I was storing up ideas. More important, I also found out that most girls start out wanting to have genuine, fun friendships because they are evaluating young men too. What's more, as we evaluate others, we're also evaluating ourselves. Most people feel complimented by genuine interest and questions that give them an opportunity to talk about themselves.

My willingness to treat a young woman with genuine interest and to stop trying too hard to impress her helped me discover that I was often guilty of prejudging. I found after talking to some girls that what I had thought about them at first was later proven untrue.

My mother also taught me that courtesy and acceptance are ways of showing respect, not only toward girls, women, and even toward other guys, but also for myself. This knowledge and skill has helped me many times because it has increased my confidence around others. I believe I am less afraid to meet new people, enter new situations, speak in public, and carry on private conversations because manners help me know what to do. Manners have helped me, and many other guys, overcome a natural shyness. In other words, it’s easier to play the part of the “Southern Gentleman” because it gives you something of an identity that sets you apart from the other jerks out there and gives you a confidence boost. The confidence boost, not the manners, is what truly helps a guy attract girls. If you have manners but no confidence, you’ll never attract anyone under the age of 45. But if manners are a way for you to acquire confidence, more power to you. Still, this proves a point I made in a previous post that there are no gentlemen, only really good, well-trained actors.

Women deserve the respect of men. Both men and women are warmed by it and helped to feel secure. In an age when there is much concern about equality of the sexes, some women are receiving unequal amounts of rudeness and disrespect. Many men are using the idea of female equality as an excuse to neglect courtesy.

My mother helped me to learn and show respect for her, and consequently taught me that all girls and women are deserving of it. No one benefits by demeaning or rejecting another person. When young women are ennobled by the respect young men show them, both are elevated.

It never occurred to me as a young man that if a boy treats a girl like a queen, he is raising himself to a higher level too. (Not necessarily true…if you are trying to pick up someone well above your own level, treating her like a queen is recognizing her superiority. Girls like that are used to being treated like queens- if you REALLY want to attract her, ignore her a little bit more. Either it will make you stand out and make her wonder what makes you so special that would ignore Her Highness, or she still won’t see you, in which case you’ll know that’s not the relationship for you. Girls get bored when they think they are the center of your life- they are most interested when you are a challenge. Manners attract self-entitled control freaks more often than not. A truly decent girl would never expect a guy to do any of the above things- she would expect mutual respect not one-sided worship. No decent girl wants someone who’s whipped. Be respectful and definitely show her you care in little ways- but don’t expect that to earn you her love because that alone never will. All men can learn honest courtesy. And all men can be known as "good dates," not because of their social standing or good looks, but because of the respect and kindness they show to those they date. I would argue that wit, charm, and confidence are just as important as respect and kindness. Even if your wit and charm is more “quirky” than “cool”, it still shows that you know who you are and are happy in your own skin- as long as you have that, there is bound to be a girl who finds your personal charm, well, charming. Wit and confidence will earn you interest and attraction and respect and kindness will earn you respect and trust. Put them together, and it might just lead to love.


Sorry Lynn, but you'll never Scoreby that advice you just gave.