By: Monica
Anyone seen the Ugly Truth with Gerard Butler? Though it's a (romantic) comedy, the movie does have some good lines. Take these for example:
Abby Richter: [gushing about Colin] He's such a great guy.
Mike Chadway: [sarcastically] Oh yeah, he's dreamy.
Abby Richter: And he ticks numbers 1 to 10 on my list.
Mike Chadway: Although, weren't points 1 to 9 pretty much about him being gay?
As a woman, most would expect me to scoff at Mike's blunt and degrading humor. But I don't. In fact, I completely and utterly agree with him. Why? Because he is right. It's as simple as that. Whether written on paper or just pictured in their minds, women DO in fact have lists. Well, most do. But 90% of the lists are full of bullshit. And they are all useless. Let's take a look:
This is what one of those so-called "Men molding" lists might look like:
1. He is a handsome brunette with a strong jawline and nice pecks.
2. He treats me like a lady: holds doors open, buys me flowers, buys me chocolate...etc.
3. His salary is over $100,000.
4. He drinks wine. NO BEER.
5. He drives a car who's model is atleast within a 3 year range.
6. He can cook.
7. He does not live with his parents.
8. He loves children.
9. My parents love him.
10. He can help me shop and tell me if I look good in a dress/bathing suit.
That is just one example. Depending on the girl, she might have specifications, such as "He takes me dancing" or "He loves beach picnics and horseback riding". But, in reality, none of it matters because the person that woman ends up with will most likely shred her list to pieces. Women set these impossible standards for men, forcing them to contort into people they are not. The media tricks them into thinking that, because women squeal at a movie screen where a man is singing his wife to sleep, that THAT is what they have to be. But that is completely FALSE. Now, we have men in this world thinking that women want them to walk right up and say, "You are beautiful. Why don't we go gaze up at the stars together?" When in fact, Ladies, you must admit that this would be nothing short of creepy. Moves like that (if you are going to make them) need to feel natural, not forced. If you're going to get her to watch the stars with you, don't ask her right off the bat. First off, get to know her. You don't want to look like the mushy perv. That's not a good reputation to have. Next, make sure you think she is the type of person that would enjoy something like that. If she has told you time and time again that she would rather go to a hockey game than a fancy restaurant, she means it. This is called listening to her. A good quality to have when you are a guy. After you have done the previous, you may now proceed to the act. But, here's a vital tip: DON'T ASK HER, SHOW HER. Please, for the love of all that is holy, I beg you not to make a fool of yourself by asking her. This gives her a chance to think about it as well as a chance to say "no". Maybe she would think it too awkward, or too personal, or it would simply give her time to think up another excuse. Instead, take her there and show her. If she likes that kind of thing, she'll be thrilled. Females enjoy the element of surprise, no matter how much we state otherwise. Why do you think proposals are surprises? Why do we love that bouquet of flowers so much more when you bring it home on a random day instead of on Valentine's when it's expected?
The point is, women don't want the guys that are cookie cutter to their lists. No. They want a guy who:
1. They are attracted to.
2. They understand and one who understands them.
3. Who makes them feel special (in whichever way he chooses to).
THIS should be a woman's list. Nothing more. Why? Because love is not a formula. Therefore, there are many solutions to the problem and they can come in all shapes, sizes, forms, colors, etc. Women write off so many guys for the pure reason that they are missing some key points of the list. When they think the list is helping them upgrade, it is actually causing them to settle for whoever they meet that fits that mold. It's like being lactose intolerant and not being able to touch the chocolate ice cream. So, if you have learned anything form today's lesson, Ladies, let it be this:
The "Perfect Man" is boring. Rip up your lists and let nature take it's course.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Fate? A Response
By: Kelly
One of my favorite bloggers, Hayley Hoover, recently wrote about fate and asked her readers their opinions on the topic. Unable to resist any sort of philosophical debate, I’m going to try to express my opinion in less than five thousand words. I’m confident I’ll use three times as many words as she did, and come off as much less eloquent. You should read her blog first though: http://www.hayleyghoover.blogspot.com
My issue with fate is that it implies there are aspects of our lives that are 100% out of our control. According to fate, some things are simply predestined to happen. I do not believe anything is inevitable. There is always a choice, even if it is slim and bleak. Even if it is the choice between living or dying, it is there. As a WASP, I whole-heartedly believe in the power of free will, hard work, and determination. However, I’m not naïve enough to think that the Protestant work ethic is powerful enough to overcome any obstacle, environment, or situation. Life is filled with so many different variables. While some are obvious, there are many that will slip past us before we ever see the enormous ways they affect our lives. So little of who we are as people comes down to, well, who we are.
This is why I always found it odd that psychologists were so caught up over the nature versus nurture argument. If most of our personality traits are predisposed to us at birth because of the genetic lottery, then that proves we have little control. If we are shaped as people by the environment lottery early on in life, then we still have little control. Why does it matter which side of the spectrum controls our development more? Either way, we are pretty powerless, right? Wrong. This could instill a sense of helplessness in me but instead, I choose to see it as liberating. Our collective lack of power means we never have to judge other people for the “wrong” decisions that they make because through their eyes, it was right. If we had been in their position, we probably would have made the same choices. However, while we have little control over the people we become, we do have some control. This is what separates us from animals- we do always have a choice. The nature-nurture argument makes it easier for us to understand why people make the decisions that they make but nevertheless, there are decisions being made. Sure, tough situations are thrust upon us every day, some more than others. But we get to do our best with the hand that has been dealt us. There is strategy involved as well as luck. This is why I don’t believe in fate.
My other issue with fate and determinism (the philosophy that every event, thought, and action is caused by environment) is that no matter how helpless a situation seems, if you give a person hope and the belief that things can in fact change, many times they will. It’s been proven in medical studies among cancer patients that had zero chance of living. It’s been proven in failing classrooms when attitudes were changed and the kids had someone who believed in them. I don’t believe in fate, but I do believe in fighting the odds and I do believe in miracles. I just happen to be more likely to view these “miracles” as flukes, or crazy coincidences than divine intervention or destiny. This is coming from a person who is both spiritual and scientific. I believe miracles happen, and I thank God for them, but I do not question them or try to find greater meaning in them. The greatest meaning we can derive from miracles is that they happened. To try to explain the great mysteries takes away the magic.
People use fate to create deeper meaning out of happenstance. When people say that everything happens for a reason, I think they have it backwards. To say that everything happens for a reason, implies that the events are caused by the reason. I do not believe this is true. I think things do just happen. They happen because of scientific occurrences and because of the interdependent nature of our world. They happen because of chains of events, the butterfly effect, individual decisions. The why really is not that important. Free will trumps fate every time- we determine the reason that “everything” happens for. We get to decide if we want to attribute meaning to things or if we want to dismiss them as “just things”. Even if you were to sit back and accept the hand that has been dealt you without trying to change it, you made that decision. Fate didn’t happen to you, you decided it would. That’s what they call a self-fulfilling prophecy.
This is about the time in the blog post when I direct you to a John Green video…but I am above that sort of predictability! So here is a, uh, related Hank Green video (fast forward to about two minutes in and listen until about 3:24)
I think that when people use fate to explain why we do the things that we do, they are making the same mistake made when we explain things with the hierarchy of needs. Both sort of dehumanizes people and strips us of our ability to be more than just machines. So Hayley, when you brought up the question, “How can two people with such fundamentally different beliefs be right for each other?” and answered it with: “Maybe it's because we were both at the right points in our lives to narrow down the options and choose people with complementary attributes, and our relationship is all math. Maybe we work because we were supposed to”, I think it’s both. As a woman of science and of faith, I have to say both. Sure, there are many psychological and behavioral principles that explain why you and Mike are in a relationship. But you are also together because you decided that you were supposed to be. That is the reasoning that you have attributed to your relationship. Basically, I think that there is no easy way out- no one gets a free pass and forgiveness for making bad choices because of fate, or because of their lack of control over a situation. However, it’s also not as simple as just “trying hard enough” and all your dreams will come true. Like everything in life, it is somewhere in the middle. But what do I know- we each make our own meaning. Some choose fate, some choose science, I choose something in between.
One of my favorite bloggers, Hayley Hoover, recently wrote about fate and asked her readers their opinions on the topic. Unable to resist any sort of philosophical debate, I’m going to try to express my opinion in less than five thousand words. I’m confident I’ll use three times as many words as she did, and come off as much less eloquent. You should read her blog first though: http://www.hayleyghoover.blogspot.com
My issue with fate is that it implies there are aspects of our lives that are 100% out of our control. According to fate, some things are simply predestined to happen. I do not believe anything is inevitable. There is always a choice, even if it is slim and bleak. Even if it is the choice between living or dying, it is there. As a WASP, I whole-heartedly believe in the power of free will, hard work, and determination. However, I’m not naïve enough to think that the Protestant work ethic is powerful enough to overcome any obstacle, environment, or situation. Life is filled with so many different variables. While some are obvious, there are many that will slip past us before we ever see the enormous ways they affect our lives. So little of who we are as people comes down to, well, who we are.
This is why I always found it odd that psychologists were so caught up over the nature versus nurture argument. If most of our personality traits are predisposed to us at birth because of the genetic lottery, then that proves we have little control. If we are shaped as people by the environment lottery early on in life, then we still have little control. Why does it matter which side of the spectrum controls our development more? Either way, we are pretty powerless, right? Wrong. This could instill a sense of helplessness in me but instead, I choose to see it as liberating. Our collective lack of power means we never have to judge other people for the “wrong” decisions that they make because through their eyes, it was right. If we had been in their position, we probably would have made the same choices. However, while we have little control over the people we become, we do have some control. This is what separates us from animals- we do always have a choice. The nature-nurture argument makes it easier for us to understand why people make the decisions that they make but nevertheless, there are decisions being made. Sure, tough situations are thrust upon us every day, some more than others. But we get to do our best with the hand that has been dealt us. There is strategy involved as well as luck. This is why I don’t believe in fate.
My other issue with fate and determinism (the philosophy that every event, thought, and action is caused by environment) is that no matter how helpless a situation seems, if you give a person hope and the belief that things can in fact change, many times they will. It’s been proven in medical studies among cancer patients that had zero chance of living. It’s been proven in failing classrooms when attitudes were changed and the kids had someone who believed in them. I don’t believe in fate, but I do believe in fighting the odds and I do believe in miracles. I just happen to be more likely to view these “miracles” as flukes, or crazy coincidences than divine intervention or destiny. This is coming from a person who is both spiritual and scientific. I believe miracles happen, and I thank God for them, but I do not question them or try to find greater meaning in them. The greatest meaning we can derive from miracles is that they happened. To try to explain the great mysteries takes away the magic.
People use fate to create deeper meaning out of happenstance. When people say that everything happens for a reason, I think they have it backwards. To say that everything happens for a reason, implies that the events are caused by the reason. I do not believe this is true. I think things do just happen. They happen because of scientific occurrences and because of the interdependent nature of our world. They happen because of chains of events, the butterfly effect, individual decisions. The why really is not that important. Free will trumps fate every time- we determine the reason that “everything” happens for. We get to decide if we want to attribute meaning to things or if we want to dismiss them as “just things”. Even if you were to sit back and accept the hand that has been dealt you without trying to change it, you made that decision. Fate didn’t happen to you, you decided it would. That’s what they call a self-fulfilling prophecy.
This is about the time in the blog post when I direct you to a John Green video…but I am above that sort of predictability! So here is a, uh, related Hank Green video (fast forward to about two minutes in and listen until about 3:24)
I think that when people use fate to explain why we do the things that we do, they are making the same mistake made when we explain things with the hierarchy of needs. Both sort of dehumanizes people and strips us of our ability to be more than just machines. So Hayley, when you brought up the question, “How can two people with such fundamentally different beliefs be right for each other?” and answered it with: “Maybe it's because we were both at the right points in our lives to narrow down the options and choose people with complementary attributes, and our relationship is all math. Maybe we work because we were supposed to”, I think it’s both. As a woman of science and of faith, I have to say both. Sure, there are many psychological and behavioral principles that explain why you and Mike are in a relationship. But you are also together because you decided that you were supposed to be. That is the reasoning that you have attributed to your relationship. Basically, I think that there is no easy way out- no one gets a free pass and forgiveness for making bad choices because of fate, or because of their lack of control over a situation. However, it’s also not as simple as just “trying hard enough” and all your dreams will come true. Like everything in life, it is somewhere in the middle. But what do I know- we each make our own meaning. Some choose fate, some choose science, I choose something in between.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Let's Get Physical...Part 2!
By: Kelly
So the last post was mainly geared towards guys, so here's some kissing advice for girls in four parts:
Part One: Video Disclaimer. Watch this until 0:49-
Seriously, Mr. John Green is right. Don't rush or force anything. You will undoubtedly regret it. When it's the right time with the right person, you'll know.
Part Two. The following Q/A section comes from one of the Princess Diaries books, which although fiction, has some good advice.
1. Can a boy tell if the person he is with is inexperienced? How does an inexperienced kisser kiss (so I can avoid that)?
The guy may sense a feeling of nervousness coming from you, or that you are uneasy, but everyone is nervous when they are kissing someone new. It's natural! But kissng is easy to catch on to- believe me! An inexperienced kisser might break away too soon because he or she is scared or whatever. But that is normal. It's SUPPOSED to be weird. That's what makes it fun.
2. Is there such thing as a great kisser? If so, what are the qualifications? (So I know what to practice.)
Yes, there is such a thing as a great kisser. A great kisser is always affectionate and gentle and patient and not demanding.
3. How much pressure do you exert on his lips? I mean, do you push, or like in a handshake, are you just supposed to be firm? Or are you just supposed to stand there and let him do all the work?
If you want a gentle kiss (a caring one) don't apply too much pressure (this is also true if he is wearing braces- you don't want to cause any lacerations). If you give a guy a "harsh" kiss (too much pressure), he might think you are desperate or that you want to go further than you probably do.
Of course you aren't supposed to just stand there and let him do all the work: kiss him back! But always kiss him the way YOU want to be kissed. That is how guys learn. If we didn't show them how to do everything, we'd never get anywhere!
4. How do you know when it's time to stop?
Stop when he stops, or when you feel like you've had enough, or don't want to go any further. Just gently (so you don't freak him out) move your head back, or if the moment is right, you can change the kiss into a hug, then step back.
5. If you are in love with him, is it still gross?
Of course not! Kissing is always better with someone you actually like. Of course, even with someone you really like, kissing can be gross. Once Dave licked me on the chin and I was all, Get away. But I think that was by accident (the licking).
6. If he is in love with you, does he even care if you are bad? (Define bad kisser.)
If the guy likes/loves you, he won't care if you are a good kisser or not. In fact, even if you are a bad kisser, he will probably think you are a good one. And vice versa. He should like you for what you are- not how you kiss.
DEFINITION OF A BAD KISSER: A bad kisser is someone who gets your face all wet, slobbers on you, sticks his tongue in when you're not ready, has bad breath, OR sometimes there can be kissers whose tongues are all dry and prickly like a cactus but I have never experiences one of those, just heard about them.
7. When do you know if it's time to open your mouth (thus turning it into a French)?
You will probably feel his tongue touch your lips. If you want to pursue the idea, open your lips a little. If not, keep them closed.
Part Three. The Details. Let's see what John has to say one more time (1:06-1:38)
Part Four. Other random hypothetical questions. No one asked me these, but I know personally everyone asks them. I'll even formulate them as my younger self asking my older self:
Younger Kelly: Which way do you tilt your head?
Older Kelly: Well there's no specific right or wrong way but I googled it for you (bless your soul, you probably don't even know what google is) and apparently about 70% of people tilt their head to the right. To avoid nose collisions, just wait and see which direction your partner moves in. As long as you go slowly, it will probably feel natural. It probably won't ever even cross your mind.
Younger Kelly: Eyes closed or open? Isn't it kind of hard to do it with your eyes closed?
Older Kelly: CLOSED. I repeat, CLOSED. There is nothing more creepy than kissing someone and having them staring at you with their eyes wide open. It's not hard to do, don't worry. Again, it feels natural for most people to close their eyes and it won't require effort.
Younger Kelly: Is it awkward or weird?
Older Kelly: The first time, a little bit. But not for long.
Younger Kelly: How long do you kiss them?
Older Kelly: As long as you want. It's an efficient way to waste time.
Younger Kelly: Does practicing help?
Older Kelly: It can make you feel more confident beforehand. Technique-wise, no preparation except actual experience is going to help.
Younger Kelly: Is French kissing gross? It seems absolutely disgusting.
Older Kelly: Surprisingly, no. Not with someone you like.
So the last post was mainly geared towards guys, so here's some kissing advice for girls in four parts:
Part One: Video Disclaimer. Watch this until 0:49-
Seriously, Mr. John Green is right. Don't rush or force anything. You will undoubtedly regret it. When it's the right time with the right person, you'll know.
Part Two. The following Q/A section comes from one of the Princess Diaries books, which although fiction, has some good advice.
1. Can a boy tell if the person he is with is inexperienced? How does an inexperienced kisser kiss (so I can avoid that)?
The guy may sense a feeling of nervousness coming from you, or that you are uneasy, but everyone is nervous when they are kissing someone new. It's natural! But kissng is easy to catch on to- believe me! An inexperienced kisser might break away too soon because he or she is scared or whatever. But that is normal. It's SUPPOSED to be weird. That's what makes it fun.
2. Is there such thing as a great kisser? If so, what are the qualifications? (So I know what to practice.)
Yes, there is such a thing as a great kisser. A great kisser is always affectionate and gentle and patient and not demanding.
3. How much pressure do you exert on his lips? I mean, do you push, or like in a handshake, are you just supposed to be firm? Or are you just supposed to stand there and let him do all the work?
If you want a gentle kiss (a caring one) don't apply too much pressure (this is also true if he is wearing braces- you don't want to cause any lacerations). If you give a guy a "harsh" kiss (too much pressure), he might think you are desperate or that you want to go further than you probably do.
Of course you aren't supposed to just stand there and let him do all the work: kiss him back! But always kiss him the way YOU want to be kissed. That is how guys learn. If we didn't show them how to do everything, we'd never get anywhere!
4. How do you know when it's time to stop?
Stop when he stops, or when you feel like you've had enough, or don't want to go any further. Just gently (so you don't freak him out) move your head back, or if the moment is right, you can change the kiss into a hug, then step back.
5. If you are in love with him, is it still gross?
Of course not! Kissing is always better with someone you actually like. Of course, even with someone you really like, kissing can be gross. Once Dave licked me on the chin and I was all, Get away. But I think that was by accident (the licking).
6. If he is in love with you, does he even care if you are bad? (Define bad kisser.)
If the guy likes/loves you, he won't care if you are a good kisser or not. In fact, even if you are a bad kisser, he will probably think you are a good one. And vice versa. He should like you for what you are- not how you kiss.
DEFINITION OF A BAD KISSER: A bad kisser is someone who gets your face all wet, slobbers on you, sticks his tongue in when you're not ready, has bad breath, OR sometimes there can be kissers whose tongues are all dry and prickly like a cactus but I have never experiences one of those, just heard about them.
7. When do you know if it's time to open your mouth (thus turning it into a French)?
You will probably feel his tongue touch your lips. If you want to pursue the idea, open your lips a little. If not, keep them closed.
Part Three. The Details. Let's see what John has to say one more time (1:06-1:38)
Part Four. Other random hypothetical questions. No one asked me these, but I know personally everyone asks them. I'll even formulate them as my younger self asking my older self:
Younger Kelly: Which way do you tilt your head?
Older Kelly: Well there's no specific right or wrong way but I googled it for you (bless your soul, you probably don't even know what google is) and apparently about 70% of people tilt their head to the right. To avoid nose collisions, just wait and see which direction your partner moves in. As long as you go slowly, it will probably feel natural. It probably won't ever even cross your mind.
Younger Kelly: Eyes closed or open? Isn't it kind of hard to do it with your eyes closed?
Older Kelly: CLOSED. I repeat, CLOSED. There is nothing more creepy than kissing someone and having them staring at you with their eyes wide open. It's not hard to do, don't worry. Again, it feels natural for most people to close their eyes and it won't require effort.
Younger Kelly: Is it awkward or weird?
Older Kelly: The first time, a little bit. But not for long.
Younger Kelly: How long do you kiss them?
Older Kelly: As long as you want. It's an efficient way to waste time.
Younger Kelly: Does practicing help?
Older Kelly: It can make you feel more confident beforehand. Technique-wise, no preparation except actual experience is going to help.
Younger Kelly: Is French kissing gross? It seems absolutely disgusting.
Older Kelly: Surprisingly, no. Not with someone you like.
Let's Get Physical
By: Kelly
JK Olivia Newton John, let's not. But seriously, I figured we should dedicate at least one post to the subject. After all, without the physical attraction, you've got nothing. So below are ten general tips on "kissing". I put kissing in quotations because you could pretty much replace any physical action with kiss and the advice still stands.
1.Never ask for a girl’s permission before kissing her I don’t care what your Momma told you or what any girl has told you on this subject for that matter-now is not the time to be a gentleman. If you have to ask, something is wrong. If you do your job right, she’ll kiss you before you go in for the kill yourself. There are several reasons you shouldn’t ask. One, um hello, what if she says no? Wouldn’t you rather beg for forgiveness than ask for permission? And two, even if she were to say yes, chances are she would be hugely turned off by you asking. We don’t want predictable, we don’t even really want polite. So just go for it if the timing is right. You don’t need to ask with words, because she doesn’t need them to answer you. If she’s saying no, it’ll take less than three seconds for you to realize that with a simple turn of her head.
2.Never inform a girl that you are going to kiss her. This is really an offshoot of number two. Like I said, we are turned off by predictability. Here’s an analogy. Remember when you first learned to write essays in elementary school and your teacher would tell you to list your reasons and purpose in your introduction? It always sounded something like, “My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. In this essay, I am going to tell you why she is my favorite. She is my favorite because she is a mermaid, has a beautiful singing voice, and combs her hair with a fork.” Actually, I hope you (if you are a guy reading this) did not write an essay like this, but it’s just an example. It’s not as if I took this excerpt from my own writing or anything…THE POINT IS, that was elementary school. Hopefully as you progressed, your writing became more mature and you didn’t have to spell everything out so mechanically. Your writing was sophisticated enough to carry the reader from one point to the next. Kissing should be the same.
3.Never apologize to a girl for kissing her. Why? Well, are you sorry? Chances are, you aren’t. When given a list of choices at just about any time of day, a guy would pick making out with a girl over most other things. If you took the risk of rejection by kissing her, you decided it was worth it. She will respect you more if you don’t apologize. Look her in the eye to show that she doesn’t control you or embarrass you and honestly say “Well, I’m not sorry I tried.” If she’s semi-attracted to you, it will send a shiver down her spine and make her regret her actions. If she’s repulsed by you, at least you still have your pride.
4.Never ask a girl- “So, how was I?” I’ve heard a lot of people say when giving advice about the physical nature of relationships how important “open communication” is. I’ve heard that you should have earnest discussions about how the sex was, and “what you each can do to improve for next time”. I’m sorry, but every time I hear this I want to gag. I don’t think I can fathom a more efficient way to suck the magic and romance out of a relationship than to systematically dissect your most passionate/intimate moments. You should never have to do that. Learn by experience, trial and error, monkey see monkey do- anything- but good Lord, don’t choose NOW of all times to talk about your feelings. Yes girls want you to talk to them but if you turn into a chatterbox the second you stop kissing you are going to take away from the experience. It’s okay to be quiet and let the moment speak for itself. I once heard someone say, ”the worst response you can ever get from a girl is a kiss because it means her words would only hurt your feelings”. But this just isn’t true. Think about it, in general girls love to talk. So if you’ve managed to shut her up for more than two minutes and you’ve gotten her to kiss you on her own, you can probably call it a success.
5.Never tell a girl how she was. Unless she asks, I suppose. Otherwise, it will make you look like a jerk bestowing this almighty compliment upon her or it will be awkward. And if she sucked (literally, or figuratively) spare her feelings and give her another chance. Experience is the best teacher.
6.Learn to multitask- The next four tips show the difference between the experienced and the inexperienced. Sometimes guys feel uncomfortable because they don’t know what to do with their hands while kissing a girl. For the inexperienced, PG-rated scenario, I’ll say touch the back of her head, caress her face, rub her back, hold her hands. The possibilities are endless. For the PG-13 to R-rated scenarios, I repeat: the possibilities are endless. In a not-so-rare moment in which I betray my gender, I’ll let you in on a little secret. We will let you get away with a lot more when you are kissing us than we would otherwise. One reason for this is because we aren’t so good at multitasking. Use it to your advantage.
7.Learn variety. Don’t fall into a pattern because it will inevitably become boring. This is the mistake people make that leads to that awful advice I mentioned earlier about “open communication”. Your partner shouldn’t have to tell you how and when to mix it up, you should be doing it all along. If it becomes second nature and mindless, you aren’t trying hard enough.
8.Let her lead- Pretty much speaks for itself. This is one way of mixing it up and it's like Monica's last post said: "What men desire is a virgin who is a whore." Let her be in charge for a while, you'll both enjoy it.
9.Don’t forget the power of a simple hug. While guys are always pushing for the next step, girls like to reminisce in beginnings. We're more likely to remember the excitement we felt when you held our hands the first time than everything else that came after. Remember that for our sake even as we "move past that stage" for yours.
10. Groom yourself. Technically this should have been number one, because without it, you'll never need any of this advice. I wasn't even planning on adding it because I thought it was so obvious but I think that would be putting too much stock in mankind. So, bathe please. And invest in some good-smelling cologne that isn't too strong. It will drive her wild if you smell good and she'll come home smiling because she can still smell you on her clothing and body. There's no better way to stay in a girl's head.
JK Olivia Newton John, let's not. But seriously, I figured we should dedicate at least one post to the subject. After all, without the physical attraction, you've got nothing. So below are ten general tips on "kissing". I put kissing in quotations because you could pretty much replace any physical action with kiss and the advice still stands.
1.Never ask for a girl’s permission before kissing her I don’t care what your Momma told you or what any girl has told you on this subject for that matter-now is not the time to be a gentleman. If you have to ask, something is wrong. If you do your job right, she’ll kiss you before you go in for the kill yourself. There are several reasons you shouldn’t ask. One, um hello, what if she says no? Wouldn’t you rather beg for forgiveness than ask for permission? And two, even if she were to say yes, chances are she would be hugely turned off by you asking. We don’t want predictable, we don’t even really want polite. So just go for it if the timing is right. You don’t need to ask with words, because she doesn’t need them to answer you. If she’s saying no, it’ll take less than three seconds for you to realize that with a simple turn of her head.
2.Never inform a girl that you are going to kiss her. This is really an offshoot of number two. Like I said, we are turned off by predictability. Here’s an analogy. Remember when you first learned to write essays in elementary school and your teacher would tell you to list your reasons and purpose in your introduction? It always sounded something like, “My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. In this essay, I am going to tell you why she is my favorite. She is my favorite because she is a mermaid, has a beautiful singing voice, and combs her hair with a fork.” Actually, I hope you (if you are a guy reading this) did not write an essay like this, but it’s just an example. It’s not as if I took this excerpt from my own writing or anything…THE POINT IS, that was elementary school. Hopefully as you progressed, your writing became more mature and you didn’t have to spell everything out so mechanically. Your writing was sophisticated enough to carry the reader from one point to the next. Kissing should be the same.
3.Never apologize to a girl for kissing her. Why? Well, are you sorry? Chances are, you aren’t. When given a list of choices at just about any time of day, a guy would pick making out with a girl over most other things. If you took the risk of rejection by kissing her, you decided it was worth it. She will respect you more if you don’t apologize. Look her in the eye to show that she doesn’t control you or embarrass you and honestly say “Well, I’m not sorry I tried.” If she’s semi-attracted to you, it will send a shiver down her spine and make her regret her actions. If she’s repulsed by you, at least you still have your pride.
4.Never ask a girl- “So, how was I?” I’ve heard a lot of people say when giving advice about the physical nature of relationships how important “open communication” is. I’ve heard that you should have earnest discussions about how the sex was, and “what you each can do to improve for next time”. I’m sorry, but every time I hear this I want to gag. I don’t think I can fathom a more efficient way to suck the magic and romance out of a relationship than to systematically dissect your most passionate/intimate moments. You should never have to do that. Learn by experience, trial and error, monkey see monkey do- anything- but good Lord, don’t choose NOW of all times to talk about your feelings. Yes girls want you to talk to them but if you turn into a chatterbox the second you stop kissing you are going to take away from the experience. It’s okay to be quiet and let the moment speak for itself. I once heard someone say, ”the worst response you can ever get from a girl is a kiss because it means her words would only hurt your feelings”. But this just isn’t true. Think about it, in general girls love to talk. So if you’ve managed to shut her up for more than two minutes and you’ve gotten her to kiss you on her own, you can probably call it a success.
5.Never tell a girl how she was. Unless she asks, I suppose. Otherwise, it will make you look like a jerk bestowing this almighty compliment upon her or it will be awkward. And if she sucked (literally, or figuratively) spare her feelings and give her another chance. Experience is the best teacher.
6.Learn to multitask- The next four tips show the difference between the experienced and the inexperienced. Sometimes guys feel uncomfortable because they don’t know what to do with their hands while kissing a girl. For the inexperienced, PG-rated scenario, I’ll say touch the back of her head, caress her face, rub her back, hold her hands. The possibilities are endless. For the PG-13 to R-rated scenarios, I repeat: the possibilities are endless. In a not-so-rare moment in which I betray my gender, I’ll let you in on a little secret. We will let you get away with a lot more when you are kissing us than we would otherwise. One reason for this is because we aren’t so good at multitasking. Use it to your advantage.
7.Learn variety. Don’t fall into a pattern because it will inevitably become boring. This is the mistake people make that leads to that awful advice I mentioned earlier about “open communication”. Your partner shouldn’t have to tell you how and when to mix it up, you should be doing it all along. If it becomes second nature and mindless, you aren’t trying hard enough.
8.Let her lead- Pretty much speaks for itself. This is one way of mixing it up and it's like Monica's last post said: "What men desire is a virgin who is a whore." Let her be in charge for a while, you'll both enjoy it.
9.Don’t forget the power of a simple hug. While guys are always pushing for the next step, girls like to reminisce in beginnings. We're more likely to remember the excitement we felt when you held our hands the first time than everything else that came after. Remember that for our sake even as we "move past that stage" for yours.
10. Groom yourself. Technically this should have been number one, because without it, you'll never need any of this advice. I wasn't even planning on adding it because I thought it was so obvious but I think that would be putting too much stock in mankind. So, bathe please. And invest in some good-smelling cologne that isn't too strong. It will drive her wild if you smell good and she'll come home smiling because she can still smell you on her clothing and body. There's no better way to stay in a girl's head.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Food For Thought...
By: Monica
Since Kelly is the one that (almost) always comes off as a feminist in her writing, I have decided to give her a break and take on the role myself. For today only. To me, men and women truly are equal; I do not believe that one presides over the other. However, I do believe that men are the more sensitive sex. Sure, there are emotional wrecks on both sides but, in general, men tend to be more vulnerable. That is why they are so introverted when it comes to their emotions. While browsing online, I have stumbled upon some extremely witty remarks that, in a way, idolize women. Or, if not idolize, empower. For, even when women are being poked fun at, the butt of the joke is usually their resilience, their confidence, or their domination. Check these out:
Sure God created man before woman. But then you always make a rough draft before the final masterpiece. ~Author Unknown
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. ~Author Unknown
Women are never stronger than when they arm themselves with their weakness. ~Marie de Vichy-Chamrond, Marquise du Deffand, Letters to Voltaire
Men really prefer reasonably attractive women; they go after the sensational ones to impress other men. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966
A woman can say more in a sigh than a man can say in a sermon. ~Arnold Haultain
Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. ~Charlotte Whitton
The two women exchanged the kind of glance women use when no knife is handy. ~Ellery Queen
Women get the last word in every argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. ~Author Unknown
Next to the wound, what women make best is the bandage. ~Jules Barbey d'Aurevilly
A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction. ~Oscar Wilde
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute. ~Author Unknown
Women really do rule the world. They just haven't figured it out yet. When they do, and they will, we're all in big big trouble. ~"Doctor Leon," drleons.com
Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent. ~Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche
Men who don't like girls with brains don't like girls. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966
I have an idea that the phrase "weaker sex" was coined by some woman to disarm some man she was preparing to overwhelm. ~Ogden Nash
It upsets women to be, or not to be, stared at hungrily. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960
Woman begins by resisting a man's advances and ends by blocking his retreat. ~Oscar Wilde
It is only rarely that one can see in a little boy the promise of a man, but one can almost always see in a little girl the threat of a woman. ~Alexandre Dumas, fils
No woman wants to see herself too clearly. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966
Men enjoy being thought of as hunters, but are generally too lazy to hunt. Women, on the other hand, love to hunt, but would rather nobody knew it. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966
I would rather trust a woman's instinct than a man's reason. ~Stanley Baldwin
Let us leave the beautiful women to men with no imagination. ~Marcel Proust, Albertine disparue, 1925
The man's desire is for the woman; but the woman's desire is rarely other than for the desire of the man. ~Samuel Taylor Coleridge
What men desire is a virgin who is a whore. ~Edward Dahlbert
A husband only worries about a particular Other Man; a wife distrusts her whole species. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966
A man chases a woman until she catches him. ~American Proverb
Through sources, we have obtained the following alien assessment of the human species: The male wants to be valued for what he pretends to be. The female wants to be overvalued for what she truly is. ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com
Since Kelly is the one that (almost) always comes off as a feminist in her writing, I have decided to give her a break and take on the role myself. For today only. To me, men and women truly are equal; I do not believe that one presides over the other. However, I do believe that men are the more sensitive sex. Sure, there are emotional wrecks on both sides but, in general, men tend to be more vulnerable. That is why they are so introverted when it comes to their emotions. While browsing online, I have stumbled upon some extremely witty remarks that, in a way, idolize women. Or, if not idolize, empower. For, even when women are being poked fun at, the butt of the joke is usually their resilience, their confidence, or their domination. Check these out:
Sure God created man before woman. But then you always make a rough draft before the final masterpiece. ~Author Unknown
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. ~Author Unknown
Women are never stronger than when they arm themselves with their weakness. ~Marie de Vichy-Chamrond, Marquise du Deffand, Letters to Voltaire
Men really prefer reasonably attractive women; they go after the sensational ones to impress other men. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966
A woman can say more in a sigh than a man can say in a sermon. ~Arnold Haultain
Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. ~Charlotte Whitton
The two women exchanged the kind of glance women use when no knife is handy. ~Ellery Queen
Women get the last word in every argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. ~Author Unknown
Next to the wound, what women make best is the bandage. ~Jules Barbey d'Aurevilly
A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction. ~Oscar Wilde
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute. ~Author Unknown
Women really do rule the world. They just haven't figured it out yet. When they do, and they will, we're all in big big trouble. ~"Doctor Leon," drleons.com
Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent. ~Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche
Men who don't like girls with brains don't like girls. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966
I have an idea that the phrase "weaker sex" was coined by some woman to disarm some man she was preparing to overwhelm. ~Ogden Nash
It upsets women to be, or not to be, stared at hungrily. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960
Woman begins by resisting a man's advances and ends by blocking his retreat. ~Oscar Wilde
It is only rarely that one can see in a little boy the promise of a man, but one can almost always see in a little girl the threat of a woman. ~Alexandre Dumas, fils
No woman wants to see herself too clearly. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966
Men enjoy being thought of as hunters, but are generally too lazy to hunt. Women, on the other hand, love to hunt, but would rather nobody knew it. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966
I would rather trust a woman's instinct than a man's reason. ~Stanley Baldwin
Let us leave the beautiful women to men with no imagination. ~Marcel Proust, Albertine disparue, 1925
The man's desire is for the woman; but the woman's desire is rarely other than for the desire of the man. ~Samuel Taylor Coleridge
What men desire is a virgin who is a whore. ~Edward Dahlbert
A husband only worries about a particular Other Man; a wife distrusts her whole species. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966
A man chases a woman until she catches him. ~American Proverb
Through sources, we have obtained the following alien assessment of the human species: The male wants to be valued for what he pretends to be. The female wants to be overvalued for what she truly is. ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com
Saturday, May 8, 2010
How to Train Your Dragon
By: Kelly
Psst. I have a secret. Girls are dragons. No, really. About a week ago I saw the movie How to Train Your Dragon
(Highly recommend it, best movie I’ve seen in ages) and while I was watching it, I had a bit of a revelation. Bear with me while I ramble about the movie for a while, and then I will connect it back to girls.
The movie followed a pretty common plot line- kid finds wild animal, kid and animal form a special bond and learn to trust one another, blah blah blah. We’ve seen it before in Free Willy, Flicka, Two Brothers, and tons of other movies. The animal in these types of movies is always wild and scared and lashes out at people because it has been mistreated or simply because that is its natural instinct. In the movie, when Hiccup first approached the dragon, it would bare its teeth at him and threaten to kill him. But Hiccup persevered patiently and acted with caution, allowing the dragon to come to him. He took the time to observe the dragon to learn what would upset it so he could avoid those actions. While the rest of the Vikings in the movies viewed dragons as evil beasts that had to be killed, Hiccup learned to train them. While everyone else was brandishing axes and slingshots, he found their weaknesses- their blind spots, pressure points, favorite types of fish, etc. In doing so, he learned to “train” them. I put the word train in quotations because as we all know, no wild beasts can ever actually be tamed, as Shamu has tragically proven…However, if we are careful and respectful, it is possible for humans and animals to coexist. You just have to learn the animal’s rules. It’s the exact same with girls.
For all of you guys who say girls are confusing and impossible to understand, you are just like the Vikings in the movie. Repeat after me: “Everything we know about them is wrong.” You fail to see the true nature of the “dragons”. Many girls have trust issues because of their histories, and as I always say, as a member of the male species, you are responsible for every dick move another guy has taken against a girl. Just like a wild animal that has been chased by a hunter and is now afraid of every human it comes across, girls will be wary of all guys if they’ve been hurt badly enough. Plus, just as some animals are natural predators or fear humans to preserve their own survival, some girls are wired to be defensive or shy. It’s your job to get them to open up. Be like Hiccup, not the other Vikings. Brute force and other boyish methods will not work. You can’t take shortcuts- you have to try and get in their head and prove yourself to them. Hiccup showed his dragon, Toothless, that he was trustworthy by always acting consistently, moving slowly, and respecting Toothless. Guess what- those three steps work on “Dragon Girls” too. Oh, and to anyone out there who is offended by me comparing girls to beasts, don't be because I am the definition of a "Dragon Girl" and therefore have earned the right to call myself whatever names I want. Moving right along.
Two literary examples of “Dragon Girls” are Jo March from Little Women and Lena from the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. Here is a description of Jo as spoken by her love interest Laurie:
“You won’t give any one a chance,” said Laurie, with a side long glance and a little more colour than before in his sunburnt face. “You won’t show the soft side of your character; and if a fellow gets a peep at it by accident, and can’t help showing that he likes it, you treat him as Mrs. Gummidge did her sweetheart- throw cold water over him- and get so thorny no one dares touch or look at you.”
Laurie’s mistake was the same that so many guys make- he moved too quickly and too rashly. With girls like Jo who bristle up at anything even slightly romantic, you can’t be that straightforward. You have to learn to tread lightly and be subtle. Find her blind spots, just as Hiccup did. This isn’t a form of deceit or trickery, because trust is still the underlying force of the friendship. However, as we’ve said, the Game does involve some tactics that can be used to your advantage. You have to be a challenge. Don’t come on too strong, or she will run or bite back. Let the dragon come to you, as Kostos, Lena’s love interest did:
(This scene takes place in the middle of the night when Lena went to the house Kostos was staying at and woke him up. This was extremely out of the tentative Lena’s character.)
“Why didn’t you say anything?” she asked.
“What could I have said?”
“You could have been happy to see me or told me you still cared about me,” she suggested.
He laughed his rueful laugh again. “Lena, I know how you are.”
Lena wished she knew. “How am I?”
“If I come close, you run away. If I stay still then maybe, slowly, you might come.”
Was she like that?
“And Lena?”
“Yes?”
“I am happy to see you and I still care about you” he said.
That ladies and gentlemen, is how you train your dragon. If you fall for a Dragon Girl and grow frustrated because she is so “wild” and unpredictable, and impossible to catch, don’t be discouraged. Think about it- sure, it might have been easier to just buy a dog but where would be the fun in that? All great things come with a price. Normal girls are boring and predictable but dragons- you can fly with dragons. Don’t let the fiery girls scare you off; they're huge softies on the inside. That's why they work twice as hard to protect their hearts- they fall harder and feel more deeply than anyone else. Once you do gain their trust, they make the best of lovers. But maybe I'm a little biased.
Psst. I have a secret. Girls are dragons. No, really. About a week ago I saw the movie How to Train Your Dragon
(Highly recommend it, best movie I’ve seen in ages) and while I was watching it, I had a bit of a revelation. Bear with me while I ramble about the movie for a while, and then I will connect it back to girls.
The movie followed a pretty common plot line- kid finds wild animal, kid and animal form a special bond and learn to trust one another, blah blah blah. We’ve seen it before in Free Willy, Flicka, Two Brothers, and tons of other movies. The animal in these types of movies is always wild and scared and lashes out at people because it has been mistreated or simply because that is its natural instinct. In the movie, when Hiccup first approached the dragon, it would bare its teeth at him and threaten to kill him. But Hiccup persevered patiently and acted with caution, allowing the dragon to come to him. He took the time to observe the dragon to learn what would upset it so he could avoid those actions. While the rest of the Vikings in the movies viewed dragons as evil beasts that had to be killed, Hiccup learned to train them. While everyone else was brandishing axes and slingshots, he found their weaknesses- their blind spots, pressure points, favorite types of fish, etc. In doing so, he learned to “train” them. I put the word train in quotations because as we all know, no wild beasts can ever actually be tamed, as Shamu has tragically proven…However, if we are careful and respectful, it is possible for humans and animals to coexist. You just have to learn the animal’s rules. It’s the exact same with girls.
For all of you guys who say girls are confusing and impossible to understand, you are just like the Vikings in the movie. Repeat after me: “Everything we know about them is wrong.” You fail to see the true nature of the “dragons”. Many girls have trust issues because of their histories, and as I always say, as a member of the male species, you are responsible for every dick move another guy has taken against a girl. Just like a wild animal that has been chased by a hunter and is now afraid of every human it comes across, girls will be wary of all guys if they’ve been hurt badly enough. Plus, just as some animals are natural predators or fear humans to preserve their own survival, some girls are wired to be defensive or shy. It’s your job to get them to open up. Be like Hiccup, not the other Vikings. Brute force and other boyish methods will not work. You can’t take shortcuts- you have to try and get in their head and prove yourself to them. Hiccup showed his dragon, Toothless, that he was trustworthy by always acting consistently, moving slowly, and respecting Toothless. Guess what- those three steps work on “Dragon Girls” too. Oh, and to anyone out there who is offended by me comparing girls to beasts, don't be because I am the definition of a "Dragon Girl" and therefore have earned the right to call myself whatever names I want. Moving right along.
Two literary examples of “Dragon Girls” are Jo March from Little Women and Lena from the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. Here is a description of Jo as spoken by her love interest Laurie:
“You won’t give any one a chance,” said Laurie, with a side long glance and a little more colour than before in his sunburnt face. “You won’t show the soft side of your character; and if a fellow gets a peep at it by accident, and can’t help showing that he likes it, you treat him as Mrs. Gummidge did her sweetheart- throw cold water over him- and get so thorny no one dares touch or look at you.”
Laurie’s mistake was the same that so many guys make- he moved too quickly and too rashly. With girls like Jo who bristle up at anything even slightly romantic, you can’t be that straightforward. You have to learn to tread lightly and be subtle. Find her blind spots, just as Hiccup did. This isn’t a form of deceit or trickery, because trust is still the underlying force of the friendship. However, as we’ve said, the Game does involve some tactics that can be used to your advantage. You have to be a challenge. Don’t come on too strong, or she will run or bite back. Let the dragon come to you, as Kostos, Lena’s love interest did:
(This scene takes place in the middle of the night when Lena went to the house Kostos was staying at and woke him up. This was extremely out of the tentative Lena’s character.)
“Why didn’t you say anything?” she asked.
“What could I have said?”
“You could have been happy to see me or told me you still cared about me,” she suggested.
He laughed his rueful laugh again. “Lena, I know how you are.”
Lena wished she knew. “How am I?”
“If I come close, you run away. If I stay still then maybe, slowly, you might come.”
Was she like that?
“And Lena?”
“Yes?”
“I am happy to see you and I still care about you” he said.
That ladies and gentlemen, is how you train your dragon. If you fall for a Dragon Girl and grow frustrated because she is so “wild” and unpredictable, and impossible to catch, don’t be discouraged. Think about it- sure, it might have been easier to just buy a dog but where would be the fun in that? All great things come with a price. Normal girls are boring and predictable but dragons- you can fly with dragons. Don’t let the fiery girls scare you off; they're huge softies on the inside. That's why they work twice as hard to protect their hearts- they fall harder and feel more deeply than anyone else. Once you do gain their trust, they make the best of lovers. But maybe I'm a little biased.
Monday, May 3, 2010
The Story of That Girl
By: Kelly
I always used to say, I will never be "That Girl". The one who constantly second guesses herself and is always whispering deep inside: “Am I good enough?” I've learned the hard way however, that we can hide the truth with our contempt for weaklings like Bella Swan, but every single one of us has the capacity to allow a scumbag make us feel unworthy. This is a story about That Girl, who every girl has been, is, or will be.
Once upon a time That Girl fell for a boy. She fell hard and fast and saw the whole thing coming, but couldn’t stop it even if she’d wanted to. She felt her stomach drop at the first sight, the first word, the first touch. It screamed, “Watch out! You think this hurts? Just wait- this is only the beginning.” But That Girl ignored her poor stomach and ignored her brain, and followed her heart- the one organ that was rebelling against her. He made her feel alive and young and beautiful and smart and fun and free. When they were together, they clicked like they were born for each other- all the grooves and flaws fit the way they were supposed to. Together, they were invincible and content and well, perfect in each other’s imperfections (Or so it seemed. And when it seems, it is so)
But then, the inevitable happened. The scumbag remained a scumbag and revealed his scummy character. Maybe it wasn’t even his fault. Maybe they were just a couple of children playing at the playground. She would let him chase her and would stop long enough for him to snake his arms around her waist before she would take off giggling with mirth again. When she finally did decide she wasn’t afraid of cooties anymore, she realized he had left her at the jungle gym for a girl with freckles who was swinging on the swings. Thus is life.
That Girl now knew firsthand what her stomach had been warning her about. She was like the little girl who jumps in the deep end of the pool, despite the fact that her mom told her it wasn’t safe. She felt the water rush in over her head and her body filled with panic. That Girl was performing open heart surgery on herself- that’s how confusing and scary and real it felt. The colors disappeared and everything was black and white, contrasting between the two so quickly that all she could see was a blur of gray. That Girl fought to keep her head above the water, and fought to keep her hand steady as she held the tools that could fix her own bleeding heart, but she couldn’t tell if the world was more black or white or maybe it was actually gray after all. Without that knowledge, she was stuck treading water and gasping for breath.
Eventually, That Girl got so used to the treading and the gasping while everyone else around her continued to swim; performing lovely breaststrokes and backstrokes while she continued to flounder her way through the doggy paddle. The routine grew as comfortable as was possible, and for the most part, she adapted out of necessity. She had never shared her true experiences with him to anyone else, not out of secrecy but because there were no words to describe them. So now she waded through the gray and red water alone, and it was mostly okay. She could laugh with friends, feel joy and excitement, be proud and happy and normal. But every time That Girl “stopped caring”, Scumbag would swim by and her insides would feel hollow all over again when she saw him glide through the water with presumably not a care in the world. Despite it all, she missed him. It wasn’t even him she actually missed -but the hope- the optimism that the two of them had a chance together. It was the pain of seeing a once beautiful opportunity slip through her hands like the water she couldn’t keep a firm grasp on. Even if it’s just a lie and an illusion she concocted in her head, she knew in some ways, at some time, he dreamt it too. But now it is just a dream left in Dreamworld and all that is left is awkward, purposeful separation.
The worst part for That Girl is having to tread the gray waters with feigned indifference. She is a horrible actor because she’s so good. She can never just yell and scream and cry for a life boat to come save her. She can never just confront the scumbag and push and curse him for the heaven and the hell he put her through. Instead, she pretends she feels nothing and as a result, she feels less. It numbs and weakens the pain and nearly convinces her that she truly doesn’t care- except for the times when it comes rushing back out unexpectedly and takes full control of her body.
Now That Girl feels like an old woman and wishes for the time when she was the little girl running on the playground. At that moment, if felt so good being the female who is not expected to initiate the games but whose only job is to run and get caught. What happens when you’re the fish who isn’t getting caught? The one fish who needs to be caught because you can’t even swim anymore? Sure there are other fish in the sea, but the salt in the water is hurting That Girl’s heart and all the while the other, fitter fish are being caught. That Girl is so tired of waiting by the jungle gym. “Why can’t you get it together?” she asks him and herself. “I don’t ask for much.” The worst moments are those when she blames herself. Maybe if she had run a little slower, or offered to swing with him, he would have stayed. Maybe she pushed him away.
Remember That Girl. Remember where you come from, even if you’ve never been her. When you are about to be caught up in the emotional swells and carried away in the “high of the moment”, don’t just swim away. Sure, be happy. There isn’t anything wrong with that- it’s important to soak in every drop of joy that you can from a good experience. Nothing feels better than those moments when you literally can’t keep yourself from screaming and jumping up and down because you just feel GOOD and can’t even contain yourself. The world is so big and beautiful, and it is swelling up inside of you, and you don’t feel like your body is able to hold it all for even one more second. You can’t stop grinning and energy is pulsating through your body and nothing else matters except NOW.
But you don’t stop at Now. Realize that Now is a fickle bitch that doesn’t last forever. When you are happier than you ever remember being, remember the times when you thought you were going to die. Remember the times you felt as if you were the only person alive because nobody in the world was there for you. The times when it hurt to breathe, when waking up was a laborious, impossible task. When you felt the blood pumping through your veins and every step and sight was a painful reminder of how small you were.
Or better yet, remember the times you felt as if you were the only person dead because you didn’t feel anything at all. It became easier to just turn it all off and you became legitimately afraid that you would never feel again. You would blindly press on, going through the motions and would vaguely register the emotions you should feel in a certain situation. You would remember to laugh when society dictated you were supposed to laugh, but always a few seconds too late. The moments when you were in the hole like a trapped animal, with the bell jar suspended over your head ready to fall at any second and isolate you from the world again. Never forget these places because to forget is selfish. To move on from that pain completely and to disregard it is unforgiveable.
It’s unforgiveable because it is not exclusive to only you. Every single day you pass That Girl. Yes, she might have to fight her battles alone as you did, but you can at least do her the favor of not exacerbating her pain. To see someone else in a place of bliss when you feel like you are dying is one of the worst feelings in the world. It has nothing to do with jealousy. You want to be happy for the person, but how can you be when you can’t even be happy for yourself? Even though you don’t want it to, seeing such purity in other people’s lives is like the salt water in the cut. It stings. People who can be happy without singing and shouting about their Wonderful Lives to the whole world are the ones people will want to help the most when the tide turns against them. People who exert some control over their actions and restrain themselves out of respect for those suffering will receive the gratitude and support they have earned when they need it most. Be happy quietly, for their sakes.
Temper your joy with compassion for those who are still left behind in the deep end. Don’t be the best friend who gets into their dream school, or makes the cheerleading squad and is so caught up in her own success that she abandons those who supported her when she had braces and her grandma died and her boyfriend broke up with her. In the words of Sirius Black, "If you want to know what a man's like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals." When you are feeling superior, don’t. Because you aren’t. Fortune might be smiling upon you Now, but that is never fully to your own merit. That is chance. Rejoice quietly and channel compassion- it will be a blessing to the people all around you who, for that instant, won’t feel quite so alone.
I always used to say, I will never be "That Girl". The one who constantly second guesses herself and is always whispering deep inside: “Am I good enough?” I've learned the hard way however, that we can hide the truth with our contempt for weaklings like Bella Swan, but every single one of us has the capacity to allow a scumbag make us feel unworthy. This is a story about That Girl, who every girl has been, is, or will be.
Once upon a time That Girl fell for a boy. She fell hard and fast and saw the whole thing coming, but couldn’t stop it even if she’d wanted to. She felt her stomach drop at the first sight, the first word, the first touch. It screamed, “Watch out! You think this hurts? Just wait- this is only the beginning.” But That Girl ignored her poor stomach and ignored her brain, and followed her heart- the one organ that was rebelling against her. He made her feel alive and young and beautiful and smart and fun and free. When they were together, they clicked like they were born for each other- all the grooves and flaws fit the way they were supposed to. Together, they were invincible and content and well, perfect in each other’s imperfections (Or so it seemed. And when it seems, it is so)
But then, the inevitable happened. The scumbag remained a scumbag and revealed his scummy character. Maybe it wasn’t even his fault. Maybe they were just a couple of children playing at the playground. She would let him chase her and would stop long enough for him to snake his arms around her waist before she would take off giggling with mirth again. When she finally did decide she wasn’t afraid of cooties anymore, she realized he had left her at the jungle gym for a girl with freckles who was swinging on the swings. Thus is life.
That Girl now knew firsthand what her stomach had been warning her about. She was like the little girl who jumps in the deep end of the pool, despite the fact that her mom told her it wasn’t safe. She felt the water rush in over her head and her body filled with panic. That Girl was performing open heart surgery on herself- that’s how confusing and scary and real it felt. The colors disappeared and everything was black and white, contrasting between the two so quickly that all she could see was a blur of gray. That Girl fought to keep her head above the water, and fought to keep her hand steady as she held the tools that could fix her own bleeding heart, but she couldn’t tell if the world was more black or white or maybe it was actually gray after all. Without that knowledge, she was stuck treading water and gasping for breath.
Eventually, That Girl got so used to the treading and the gasping while everyone else around her continued to swim; performing lovely breaststrokes and backstrokes while she continued to flounder her way through the doggy paddle. The routine grew as comfortable as was possible, and for the most part, she adapted out of necessity. She had never shared her true experiences with him to anyone else, not out of secrecy but because there were no words to describe them. So now she waded through the gray and red water alone, and it was mostly okay. She could laugh with friends, feel joy and excitement, be proud and happy and normal. But every time That Girl “stopped caring”, Scumbag would swim by and her insides would feel hollow all over again when she saw him glide through the water with presumably not a care in the world. Despite it all, she missed him. It wasn’t even him she actually missed -but the hope- the optimism that the two of them had a chance together. It was the pain of seeing a once beautiful opportunity slip through her hands like the water she couldn’t keep a firm grasp on. Even if it’s just a lie and an illusion she concocted in her head, she knew in some ways, at some time, he dreamt it too. But now it is just a dream left in Dreamworld and all that is left is awkward, purposeful separation.
The worst part for That Girl is having to tread the gray waters with feigned indifference. She is a horrible actor because she’s so good. She can never just yell and scream and cry for a life boat to come save her. She can never just confront the scumbag and push and curse him for the heaven and the hell he put her through. Instead, she pretends she feels nothing and as a result, she feels less. It numbs and weakens the pain and nearly convinces her that she truly doesn’t care- except for the times when it comes rushing back out unexpectedly and takes full control of her body.
Now That Girl feels like an old woman and wishes for the time when she was the little girl running on the playground. At that moment, if felt so good being the female who is not expected to initiate the games but whose only job is to run and get caught. What happens when you’re the fish who isn’t getting caught? The one fish who needs to be caught because you can’t even swim anymore? Sure there are other fish in the sea, but the salt in the water is hurting That Girl’s heart and all the while the other, fitter fish are being caught. That Girl is so tired of waiting by the jungle gym. “Why can’t you get it together?” she asks him and herself. “I don’t ask for much.” The worst moments are those when she blames herself. Maybe if she had run a little slower, or offered to swing with him, he would have stayed. Maybe she pushed him away.
Remember That Girl. Remember where you come from, even if you’ve never been her. When you are about to be caught up in the emotional swells and carried away in the “high of the moment”, don’t just swim away. Sure, be happy. There isn’t anything wrong with that- it’s important to soak in every drop of joy that you can from a good experience. Nothing feels better than those moments when you literally can’t keep yourself from screaming and jumping up and down because you just feel GOOD and can’t even contain yourself. The world is so big and beautiful, and it is swelling up inside of you, and you don’t feel like your body is able to hold it all for even one more second. You can’t stop grinning and energy is pulsating through your body and nothing else matters except NOW.
But you don’t stop at Now. Realize that Now is a fickle bitch that doesn’t last forever. When you are happier than you ever remember being, remember the times when you thought you were going to die. Remember the times you felt as if you were the only person alive because nobody in the world was there for you. The times when it hurt to breathe, when waking up was a laborious, impossible task. When you felt the blood pumping through your veins and every step and sight was a painful reminder of how small you were.
Or better yet, remember the times you felt as if you were the only person dead because you didn’t feel anything at all. It became easier to just turn it all off and you became legitimately afraid that you would never feel again. You would blindly press on, going through the motions and would vaguely register the emotions you should feel in a certain situation. You would remember to laugh when society dictated you were supposed to laugh, but always a few seconds too late. The moments when you were in the hole like a trapped animal, with the bell jar suspended over your head ready to fall at any second and isolate you from the world again. Never forget these places because to forget is selfish. To move on from that pain completely and to disregard it is unforgiveable.
It’s unforgiveable because it is not exclusive to only you. Every single day you pass That Girl. Yes, she might have to fight her battles alone as you did, but you can at least do her the favor of not exacerbating her pain. To see someone else in a place of bliss when you feel like you are dying is one of the worst feelings in the world. It has nothing to do with jealousy. You want to be happy for the person, but how can you be when you can’t even be happy for yourself? Even though you don’t want it to, seeing such purity in other people’s lives is like the salt water in the cut. It stings. People who can be happy without singing and shouting about their Wonderful Lives to the whole world are the ones people will want to help the most when the tide turns against them. People who exert some control over their actions and restrain themselves out of respect for those suffering will receive the gratitude and support they have earned when they need it most. Be happy quietly, for their sakes.
Temper your joy with compassion for those who are still left behind in the deep end. Don’t be the best friend who gets into their dream school, or makes the cheerleading squad and is so caught up in her own success that she abandons those who supported her when she had braces and her grandma died and her boyfriend broke up with her. In the words of Sirius Black, "If you want to know what a man's like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals." When you are feeling superior, don’t. Because you aren’t. Fortune might be smiling upon you Now, but that is never fully to your own merit. That is chance. Rejoice quietly and channel compassion- it will be a blessing to the people all around you who, for that instant, won’t feel quite so alone.
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