Let's Get Physical

By: Kelly



JK Olivia Newton John, let's not. But seriously, I figured we should dedicate at least one post to the subject. After all, without the physical attraction, you've got nothing. So below are ten general tips on "kissing". I put kissing in quotations because you could pretty much replace any physical action with kiss and the advice still stands.

1.Never ask for a girl’s permission before kissing her I don’t care what your Momma told you or what any girl has told you on this subject for that matter-now is not the time to be a gentleman. If you have to ask, something is wrong. If you do your job right, she’ll kiss you before you go in for the kill yourself. There are several reasons you shouldn’t ask. One, um hello, what if she says no? Wouldn’t you rather beg for forgiveness than ask for permission? And two, even if she were to say yes, chances are she would be hugely turned off by you asking. We don’t want predictable, we don’t even really want polite. So just go for it if the timing is right. You don’t need to ask with words, because she doesn’t need them to answer you. If she’s saying no, it’ll take less than three seconds for you to realize that with a simple turn of her head.

2.Never inform a girl that you are going to kiss her. This is really an offshoot of number two. Like I said, we are turned off by predictability. Here’s an analogy. Remember when you first learned to write essays in elementary school and your teacher would tell you to list your reasons and purpose in your introduction? It always sounded something like, “My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. In this essay, I am going to tell you why she is my favorite. She is my favorite because she is a mermaid, has a beautiful singing voice, and combs her hair with a fork.” Actually, I hope you (if you are a guy reading this) did not write an essay like this, but it’s just an example. It’s not as if I took this excerpt from my own writing or anything…THE POINT IS, that was elementary school. Hopefully as you progressed, your writing became more mature and you didn’t have to spell everything out so mechanically. Your writing was sophisticated enough to carry the reader from one point to the next. Kissing should be the same.

3.Never apologize to a girl for kissing her. Why? Well, are you sorry? Chances are, you aren’t. When given a list of choices at just about any time of day, a guy would pick making out with a girl over most other things. If you took the risk of rejection by kissing her, you decided it was worth it. She will respect you more if you don’t apologize. Look her in the eye to show that she doesn’t control you or embarrass you and honestly say “Well, I’m not sorry I tried.” If she’s semi-attracted to you, it will send a shiver down her spine and make her regret her actions. If she’s repulsed by you, at least you still have your pride.

4.Never ask a girl- “So, how was I?” I’ve heard a lot of people say when giving advice about the physical nature of relationships how important “open communication” is. I’ve heard that you should have earnest discussions about how the sex was, and “what you each can do to improve for next time”. I’m sorry, but every time I hear this I want to gag. I don’t think I can fathom a more efficient way to suck the magic and romance out of a relationship than to systematically dissect your most passionate/intimate moments. You should never have to do that. Learn by experience, trial and error, monkey see monkey do- anything- but good Lord, don’t choose NOW of all times to talk about your feelings. Yes girls want you to talk to them but if you turn into a chatterbox the second you stop kissing you are going to take away from the experience. It’s okay to be quiet and let the moment speak for itself. I once heard someone say, ”the worst response you can ever get from a girl is a kiss because it means her words would only hurt your feelings”. But this just isn’t true. Think about it, in general girls love to talk. So if you’ve managed to shut her up for more than two minutes and you’ve gotten her to kiss you on her own, you can probably call it a success.

5.Never tell a girl how she was. Unless she asks, I suppose. Otherwise, it will make you look like a jerk bestowing this almighty compliment upon her or it will be awkward. And if she sucked (literally, or figuratively) spare her feelings and give her another chance. Experience is the best teacher.

6.Learn to multitask- The next four tips show the difference between the experienced and the inexperienced. Sometimes guys feel uncomfortable because they don’t know what to do with their hands while kissing a girl. For the inexperienced, PG-rated scenario, I’ll say touch the back of her head, caress her face, rub her back, hold her hands. The possibilities are endless. For the PG-13 to R-rated scenarios, I repeat: the possibilities are endless. In a not-so-rare moment in which I betray my gender, I’ll let you in on a little secret. We will let you get away with a lot more when you are kissing us than we would otherwise. One reason for this is because we aren’t so good at multitasking. Use it to your advantage.

7.Learn variety. Don’t fall into a pattern because it will inevitably become boring. This is the mistake people make that leads to that awful advice I mentioned earlier about “open communication”. Your partner shouldn’t have to tell you how and when to mix it up, you should be doing it all along. If it becomes second nature and mindless, you aren’t trying hard enough.

8.Let her lead- Pretty much speaks for itself. This is one way of mixing it up and it's like Monica's last post said: "What men desire is a virgin who is a whore." Let her be in charge for a while, you'll both enjoy it.

9.Don’t forget the power of a simple hug. While guys are always pushing for the next step, girls like to reminisce in beginnings. We're more likely to remember the excitement we felt when you held our hands the first time than everything else that came after. Remember that for our sake even as we "move past that stage" for yours.

10. Groom yourself. Technically this should have been number one, because without it, you'll never need any of this advice. I wasn't even planning on adding it because I thought it was so obvious but I think that would be putting too much stock in mankind. So, bathe please. And invest in some good-smelling cologne that isn't too strong. It will drive her wild if you smell good and she'll come home smiling because she can still smell you on her clothing and body. There's no better way to stay in a girl's head.