"Kelly" is to "crazy college kid" as a "mocktail" is to "vodka"

By: Kelly

Well well well. Guess what? I am in COLLEGE, sitting on my bed in my dorm (except we aren’t allowed to call them that because dorm is a yucky word. They are Residence Halls, God help me if I forget again. Whatever.)

So before I entertain you with my ridiculous college stories of passing out on sticky floors from kidney failure, I’ll respond to Monica’s post which was beyond sub-par. I love that we are now going to have a way to keep in touch whilst letting our creative juices…juice (I have no idea if "whilst" was allowed to be used in that sentence, but damn it I’m being creative!). And I already miss Best Buy and Alburrito and of course you and everything else.

But you know how we felt when we graduated from high school? As if we were already “above” it and had moved on from it like a million years ago, as we watched all of those high school movies with complete disdain? Yeah, well the second you get to college, you feel the same way about your home town. And I’m in Gainesville, where there is going to be a Qu’ran burning on September 11th (which me and my friends are protesting) so the passionate hate I harbor towards my hometown is apparently a lot stronger than I thought. I’m sure you’ll lord Miami over my head, and rightly so, since I just heard on the radio that Miami outranked Florida in some list of colleges. So, good for you….But we’re supposed to be talking about your blog! Well You know I hate the word “interesting” when it comes from boys almost as much as I hate the word “nice”. So you have my sympathies for realz. And as for traditions, I’ll have to think of some when I have more time, but I propose the first be you reenacting the “Leave Britney Alone” video when you first meet your roommate. What do you think?

---pause---sorry, I was disrupted for a minute because I thought I heard my roommate coming back and we’re still in that newlywed roommate stage where when you think they’re coming, you rush to pick a sock off the floor, or whatever. But false alarm, she isn’t hear so I can blog in peace without being afraid my typing will annoy her (like I said, newlyweds).

Anyway, I’m going to post pictures of our residence halls on facebook first chance I get, but let me tell you, we have the most beautiful room you have ever seen. Seriously, this is not helping my misanthropic tendencies one bit, living in a palace (I kid but I do really like it. The best part being, it’s all MINE with no parents). So far college is 100% how I expected it to be, which isn’t a bad thing. Move-in was incredibly efficient and easy. My roommate is adorable and sounds like Amanda Bynes. We both brought Eiffel Tower posters and she’s a French major. She wants to make crepes on Saturday so I officially love her. We had dinner with her friend Hannah who is possibly even more adorable because she’s British which fascinates me to no end. And my friend Danielle and this random kid Mike from Michigan* or some state like that, who my roomie is apparently with right now. That’s all I will say on that subject. The food is good and all you can eat buffet so I’m pleased. I had my first awkward “LOOK I’M A FRESHMAN” moment when I tried to serve myself in the buffet line though (This is even funnier Monica, if you remember when I did this recently at that free continental breakfast. But this guy was much nicer about it). I mean good Lord, this is America the land of the free, we can serve ourselves. Sigh.

So then later, my residence hall was offering us “mocktails” (aka virgin cocktails) so I went with my roommate and awkwardly sipped on some punch for about fifteen minutes and tried painfully to introduce myself to people who felt just as awkward and desperate as I probably looked. Seriously, at least we’re all in the same boat together. But then I found these really cool girls who are also huge Harry Potter fans and we added each other on facebook and now I have a lunch date with them, so that's cool.

About that time, a couple girls from my school came in. I’ll call them Helga and Alison. Monica, Helga is the girl who bragged about saying happy birthday to a mutual friend recently and Alison is actually the sister of the real Alison we know. Anyway, Helga acted really happy to see me and we talked for a bit before spontaneously deciding to get in her car with Alison and three very nerdy boys (Alison’s choosing, not mine or Helga’s for that matter. Helga actually whispered conspiratorially to me that we would "find some hot guys asap" to which I ACTUALLY AGREED. College is changing me, I fear) to see a movie they were supposedly playing somewhere on campus. We failed to find the movie but we DID find another random group of guys who wanted to find something fun to do too. So I spent a majority of the night squished up against some random kids playing foozball and pool. And let me tell you, guys in college are every bit as douche-y as you would think. Every TWO seconds, a guy is giving you the once-over.

For example, some kid whom I’ll call Muhammad (his real name was a Muslim name) made everything I said sound like I was flirting with him. Example: I asked him which building he was staying in, and then when he told me, I asked him which floor. So he said “you’re already trying to get in my room?” with some stupid little grin. And I was like, “umm no, I have a friend there so I was wondering if you’d met him yet.” To which he said, “Oh I see, you’re getting around like that already.” Ugh. I mean, at first I was semi-impressed because he made a joke about being like a nuclear science major when he pretended his name was Ahmadinejad, which at least showed he has some political/current affair savvy. But I’ve quickly learned that while almost every guy at my high school was as dull as dirt and not all too bright, at least they were POLITE and not over the top most of the time. There are always trade-offs, and smarts is not all that matters. Anyway, a little while after that conversation I kind of “came to” so to speak, and was like, “woah what am I doing here? “ I had been having a lot of fun, but all of a sudden I just wanted to get away from those idiots and curl up in bed. I mean, I originally planned to avoid Alison like the plague and swore I'd never socialize with her. AND IT'S ONLY THE FIRST NIGHT. So I ditched them and they probably spent a good five minutes laughing about it, but I could not care less what those kids think of me, so whatever. That’s college so far! I’m pretty excited- there is always SO MUCH going on here; I can’t keep track of it all. Anyway, I have to go do a keg stand** I hope move-in runs smoothly for you Monica and can’t wait to hear all about it! xo

*Maryland
*by "keg stand" I mean shower and then go to bed

P.S. Rushing is the stupidest thing I have ever seen. Girls get all dressed up and parade around parties hoping they'll be accepted to some sorority and if they accidentally "flirt" with a guy the upperclasswomen like, they don't get in. Every time a girl has told me she might/is rushing, I literally snort because I'm trying to hold back a laugh. It's like when someone tells me they're a Sarah Palin fan. I think they must be joking, and it isn't until the sound has come out of my mouth that I realize they are in fact serious.