Why there is No Room for Pity in any Relationship

By: Kelly

Want to see a self-perpetuating, ever-whirring cycle of energy? No, it won’t be found in the NASA Research Center or found within Bill Gates’s brain, but can be found every single day on teenagers’ facebook pages. Unfortunately, this isn’t positive energy. If the world could be fueled by angst, however, we’d have a global solution on our hands. Because all around the world, there are constantly people who spin themselves into a cycle of self-doubt and cynicism when it comes to relationships.

Confused? Let me explain. Picture this scenario: Alex (could be male or female) gets rejected or dumped. Alex then becomes depressed and feels defeated enough to give up hope of ever finding love. Alex constantly blames the opposite sex for his/her problems and begins to play the victim. Alex wonders what is wrong with him/her and determines her/his own worth based upon what others think. With an attitude like that, how can Alex expect any sort of a healthy relationship when he/she doesn’t even have a healthy state of mind? This is the “pity trap” so many people fall into.

It’s simple really- nobody wants to be with someone who bases their happiness solely off of being in a relationship (except for like-minded people). In general, neediness repels and a sense of independence attracts. Needy people are generally the ones who find themselves rejected over and over- because they pick the wrong people out of their desperation to be with someone or because their partners become sick of their clinginess. Every time I hear someone make a general comment like, “All guys are just jerks who set out to break girls’ hearts” or “All girls are liars” I want to say, “No, just the ones you associate with.” The worst part is, so often friends support this type of venting because they want to appear sympathetic but really they are just encouraging this cycle of self-pity. Not to say that friends shouldn’t be there for each other when they go through relationship issues, because that is an essential role in any friendship- to be the shoulder someone can cry on. However, while a true friend will be sympathetic, if you see your friend making the same mistake over and over again, you owe it to them to bring it to their attention so they’ll have a chance at a better relationship in the future.

So far, I’ve been speaking about people in general but now let’s get gender-specific. Girls, my first word of advice: don’t go posting your relationship woes on the internet or in public. The catharsis might feel good for about two minutes as you express your raging feelings on your status or at school, but this advertises you as unstable and frankly, pathetic and won’t make you feel good in the long run (dwelling on the past only keeps you from moving forward). Both sexes are attracted to people who are strong and resilient- everyone wants a partner: someone who will work together with them to face life’s challenges, not someone to babysit. If you are constantly vilifying the opposite sex and crying about your problems, you aren’t doing a very good job of promoting yourself. Big girls don’t cry [in public]. Ladies, after a fallout with a crush or a break-up, feel free to have a good cry fest with your mom or best friends. Go ahead and try to eat your way out of your pain, take time to wallow and watch a sappy love movie if that’s how you cope. But do it in the private setting of your own house, and then move on, even if you feel like you’re dying on the inside. All women should live by this quote: “hold your head high, gorgeous, cause they're all waiting to watch you fall.”

Now for the guys: although you tend to do a better job of keeping your emotions in check, your egos still take a huge hit many times when you are rejected and as a result, you can lose your confidence. This is suicidal for future relationships, because if you don’t believe in yourself, why should someone else? Promotion only works if the person selling the goods truly believes in their value. If you want a relationship, it is all about self-promotion. This is the best quote I’ve seen on the topic: "That woman was sexy...Out of your league? Son. Let women figure out why they won't screw you, don't do it for them." Other favorite quote on the topic? “pain heals, chicks dig scars, and pride is forever”.

Sound harsh ladies and gents? Well as much as I hate myself for quoting this song, “love is a battlefield” and sometimes you have to suck it up when it hurts if you want to make it out alive.

So basically, it comes down to a few simple rules. Number one, if a relationship ends badly, you have to move on and understand that the next one does not have to be like the rest. Always go in with a fresh attitude or else it will never work.

Number two, don’t pity yourself because as I’ve said before, nobody wants to be your psychologist. Even once you’re in a relationship this rule holds true- not only does self-pity keep you out of relationships, it is one of the sure-fire ways to get out of one in the first place. Don’t complain, explain. Don’t feel bad for yourself; if something is the matter, DO something about it.

Number three, don’t blame the entire opposite sex for your problems. Not all guys/girls are the same and to think so is idiotic. Your expectations in high school should never be all that high, quite honestly. My photography teacher said it best: “Guys are assholes, girls are crazy bitches, and high school relationships are almost never meant to last, they just sort of point you in the right direction.” All people mess up, so don’t have unrealistic expectations and relish the experience.

Take a break if you are the type of person who finds themselves in constant heart ache. Focus on yourself and your goals, learn to love yourself as you are without depending on someone all the time and once you are strong enough to stand on your own two feet, and the right person comes along, things might be different.

If you are the kind of person who is too cautious and is always rejected because you don’t think you’re “good enough”, learn to fake it and eventually the feigned cockiness will probably become real. Take chances and don’t become jaded to love. If you don’t put yourself out on the line you’ll never capture any hearts as this song proves:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dbTbR75CN-I&feature=fvw