So she likes you....now what?

By: Kelly

Through this blog, Monica and I have touched briefly on how to increase interest levels and on how to keep a relationship going, but we haven't really explained how to go from the first to the latter. That is what this post is about.

Establishing a relationship is all about timing. Just like in sports such as diving, tennis, or gymnastics, if you don’t make exactly the right movements at exactly the right times, you will belly flop, miss the ball, or fall off the balance beam. All the momentum you built up will fall apart and come to an abrupt stop with too many clumsy mistakes. Remember to act as if you only have one chance with a girl- because it’s probably true. While girls sometimes give out second chances, winning a girl over a second time is a thousand times harder than it is the first time and almost never has the same level of success. If you want a relationship with someone, you have to know how to start the momentum, keep it going, and slow it and stop it at your will. You have to learn to exercise control and fight your natural impulses.

There are essentially two steps every guy must follow in order to be in a relationship with the girl of their choosing: 1) Show the girl why she should like you, and by doing so, make her like you and 2) Show her why she should be in a relationship with you by gaining not only her admiration/attraction, but also her trust.

Each of the three categories of guys has different problems when it comes to timing.

Category Threes: When it comes to the first step (getting a girl to like them), most Category Three guys move too slowly- so slowly in fact, that it doesn’t look like they are moving at all. Because Category Three guys cannot succeed in faking confidence, in order to show a girl why she should like you, you have to take advantage of the Truth Factor, which Monica and I have referenced before. Be yourself and make sure she sees your best traits and qualities. Show her that you believe in yourself, even if you aren’t exactly confident. If you can, use some of the more simple techniques of The Game- even Category Three’s can benefit from tactics like the Jealousy Factor, albeit on a lesser scale. No matter what you do, do something because otherwise you will probably remain invisible to her. Try to take some initiative and make her notice you. To use another sports analogy, if you don’t step up to the plate you’ve automatically struck out.

In regard to the second step (actually establishing a relationship), Category Three’s tend to have the problem of going way too fast as soon as they know a girl likes them. They are the type of guys who aren’t afraid to express the way they feel once they think they have been accepted, but this can lead to a lot of problems. Girls tend to run away just as much as guys do when their potential love interests get clingy and overwhelm them with their excitement/admiration/puppy love. So really, Category Three’s have to fight their own instincts. In order to succeed at step one, they have to put themselves out on the line and move faster, and when it comes to establishing a relationship, they have to move slower. Don’t cave in to her desires so quickly, no matter how strongly you feel. Allow there to be a bit of a chase. It will only make her want a relationship with you more (as long as her interest level is high enough- if not, you didn’t really succeed at step one). Once you are in a relationship with her, it will be a lot more stable than it would have been if she went into it with doubts as to whether or not you are really a “catch”.

Category Two's: So what problems do Category Two’s have with timing? Basically the opposite of Category Three’s. Category Two’s are the ones who make it their goal to “get girls” so upper Category Two’s at least, tend to be very good at the first step while lower Category Two’s think they are. Category Two’s get girls to like them through confidence and more Game tactics than Category Three’s use. However, the problem with Category Two’s is that they can get stuck on the first step without being able to progress to the second step. This is for a few reasons. For some Category Two’s, it is because they don’t recognize the benefits of being in a relationship with some of the girls they make it their goals to win over. These are the wannabe players. However, most Category Two’s are just as desperate for a girlfriend as the lowest Category Three guy. So for these Two’s the reason they get stuck and the reason the momentum stops is because they do not know how to stop playing games.

This might be confusing because Monica and I always say, keep The Game going throughout a relationship, don’t let it die. But there is a difference between The Game and playing “lesser” games. The Game is an honorable way of interacting with the opposite sex to maximize interest level and to keep the momentum flowing. Mind games, however, are just cheap tricks to access short term satisfaction. They will never earn you a successful relationship if you do not have a grander plan in mind. They are tools but if you don’t know how to use them properly, they can break things just as easily as they can fix them. Many people have a hard time differentiating between The Game and just “games” because there IS some overlap. There are some tactics that both types of game players use, but the difference is rooted in intentions- if the tactics are used for noble/more innocent purposes (to form a relationship), it is The Game and if they are use for a quick fix (one night stand), it is just “games”.

Another hugely important point to remember is that there is an in-between point after the “courting” phase and before the “relationship” phase. This is the crucial moment when the two people decide to be in a relationship- the make or break moment of the performance- the last thirty seconds on the clock to score a goal. This moment is absolutely essential and cannot occur until the two people involved decide to be one hundred percent honest and open with each other. Even Category One’s drop The Game for the briefest of moments in order to establish relationships- think of Alex, the Category One who ends up with Gigi in He’s Just Not That Into You. Even though he knew all the right tricks, he also knew that in the end, he had to be completely honest and open to get what he wanted. He came over, knocked on her door, and confessed his emotions pretty bluntly. There is a point in every potential relationship when this has to happen in order for any future between the couple to exist. A girl will say yes if she likes and trusts you enough, but no girl will confidently say yes to someone she doesn’t trust. Trust is possible for people who play The Game because their motives were pure from the start, but it is not possible for people who hide behind lies and petty mind games.

This isn’t to say all Category Two’s do this, but some do. However, some Category Two’s just get stuck between 1) and 2) because 2) takes more skill. The skills that separate Category One’s from Category Two’s are: a more nuanced understanding of formulating goals (Category Two’s make it up as they go while Category One’s always have a larger plan and can anticipate how situations will turn out), understanding what it is you want and what is best for you (Category One’s are introspective and learn to work with their weaknesses while Category Two’s often deny the truth when it comes to certain aspects of their character), and understanding how to get it. Category Two’s have a harder time than Category One’s do in knowing how to show their vulnerability while also remaining strong- they tend to either try to play tough and never admit how they really feel even when they know a girl likes them, or they tend to crumble (if they are a lower Category Two). However, for Upper Two’s, they have to learn to swallow their pride in order to get what they truly want. They have to learn that while they succeeded in getting the girl to like them, their work isn’t done yet. They still have to prove that they could provide stability in a relationship- and stability isn’t something girls usually see in the more restless, free-spirited Category Two’s.

So how can they change this mindset? By treating the girl they want as if you are already in a relationship with her (this isn’t to say you should become a control freak, extra mushy, or anything else people sometimes associate with relationships, but rather you should try to emulate a good relationship in which The Game continues on). Show her what if would be like if she were to date you- say surprisingly nice things- not just flirty things, but notice parts of her life you didn’t acknowledge before. Listen attentively and respond accordingly. Don’t act as if you own her, because that will definitely repel her, but show her that you care about her and would watch over her- most girls like the security guys provide. Show her how much fun you two would have- talk to her like a best friend. Confide in her. If you can’t trust her, she won’t trust you. Invite her to do things you know she would enjoy (if you are friends with her friends, ask them if you aren’t sure). Don’t get lost in the “act” though because if she feels pressured and as if you are coming on too strongly, she will bolt. Be subtle, don’t change the way you treat her and continue to play The Game, but also enhance your behaviors and improve upon them. Show her that you can settle down with her and actually want to. Be consistent- if your words don’t match your actions, you will never have a chance. Ever.

So again, it is all about timing. It is up to the guy to a) read the signs that show it’s possible to win a girl’s attention and interest, b) act on it through the Truth Factor, confidence, and The Game and then, once she shows she is attracted to you, you have to recognize that you have moved to stage 2) and consequently have to step up your game- which always means fighting your natural instincts. For Category Threes and Lower Category Two's, this means scaling it back a little bit, slowing down, before approaching her about being in a relationship. For Upper Category Two’s and even some Category One's, this means letting down the shield a little bit and moving a little bit faster.