New Categories and Quantum Mechanics

By: Kelly

One of the questions that has always bothered me is how do you know when to hold on and to let go? To what degree should you care about certain things? In a previous post, I basically said that the way you answer those questions defines you as either a Dumper or a Dumpee. Today I am going to go beyond that simple principle and flesh out the details. There are three types of people (in this context; these have no relation to the three categories of guys we usually use): (1) those who get in a relationship because they care SO much, (2) those who end a relationship because they care too little, and (3) those who will make or break a relationship because they care TOO much. Personally, I fall in the last category so I'm biased in believing it is the best for a person's well-being.

Let's examine the three categories in terms of how they would handle breakups. Obviously, #2 would be the easiest- they genuinely would be the person who does not feel strongly enough towards the other person to continue their relationship, and as a result they suffer very little when it ends. Life would be a breeze if we didn't care about anything and everything glazed off of us because our skin was made of wax and our eyes were glazed over in a continual state of indifference. But I hate breezes and I hate people like that. You just want to shake them and say WAKE UP you don't see the craziness and beauty of life that you're missing. Give me a thunderstorm or a baking 90 degree day any time but that weather that is perfectly nondescript and God forbid, pleasant, annoys the crap out of me. Go one way or another so I know whether I should wear a jacket or shorts.

So that leads us to categories 1 and 3. If a person is naturally inclined toward Category 1, they are used to exposure and vulnerability and taking chances. If (2) comprises the heart breakers, (1) makes up the risk takers. They are used to extreme fluctuations of sadness and joy. While they are in those states, they are immersed fully and deeply but once they are over, it's as if it never happened. It has to be this way. If the pain of previous experiences was forever fresh in their minds, they would never be able to put themselves on the line like that again. These people, like myself, are in Category 3. We just care too damn much and having someone see that, including ourselves, is one of our greatest fears. So we play it safe and pretend to be 2's when we really care more than 1's. When going through a breakup, a 3 would rather die than complain or let any pain show, but on the inside it lingers as a dull, repressed pain that a 1 couldn't begin to imagine. Some Category 3's could learn from 1's and 2's with this advice: "The point is to reflect on the past, to learn from it, but never to dwell on it. You'll go crazy living in your memories like that."

So while breakups are pretty much always a lose-lose situation, let's view the categories in terms of sustaining happy relationships to see which category is the best for the couple. When a Category 1 is in a relationship, it consumes them completely. Love makes them blind to anything else and being away from their partner for minutes at a time is like agony. Obviously, this isn't healthy. No one should be that dependent on any one person for their happiness. Plus it is impossible for it to last. No one can maintain that level of passion forever. Admiration is a finite resource if it is fueled by context, which it always is with Category 1's. Use it all up quickly in the beginning and you'll soon realize nothing is there to maintain the relationship long term. Eventually the illusion will be shattered. There is even a word for it in German, as described by John Green:“Weltschmerz. It’s the depression you feel when the world as it is does not line up with the world as you think it should be…Because everyone thinks it should be possible to just keep falling and falling forever, to feel the rush of air on your face as you fall, that air pulling your face into a brilliant goddamned smile. And that should be possible. You should be able to fall forever.”

Stability and consistency are a good thing. However, of course there is such a thing as too much of a good thing, and that leads to Category 2. Category 2's relationships are completely lukewarm. They are the couple who has been dating for a month and no one even noticed a change in their behavior towards one another. There is no spark, nothing. Because they need their partner too little. What about Category 3's? These are the people who are constantly on the edge of their seat re-evaluating their relationship to see where it's going. They have to be in tune with what is happening because their main priority is being able to figure out what is going to happen so they will be prepared to react however they want. This is the most healthy way to operate because it keeps you on your toes and keeps things interesting and you will be prepared for whatever comes.

Let's compare a relationship to quantum mechanics (Yes, I'm serious. I know, only me). There is a paradox that was devised by the Austrian physicist Erwin Schrödinger in 1935. In it, a cat, along with a flask containing a poison and a radioactive source, is placed in a sealed box. If an internal Geiger counter detects radiation, the flask is shattered, releasing the poison that kills the cat. Before the box is opened, the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum mechanics implies that the cat is simultaneously alive and dead. Yet, when we look in the box, we see the cat either alive or dead, not both alive and dead. It's kind of confusing but you really don't need to fully understand the paradox to grasp the metaphor I'm getting at. Basically, my point is that we should treat relationships like Schrödinger's cat- the box is always closed because we can never truly understand or see another person for their full thoughts, feelings, and motivations so it is best to assume the relationship is both alive and dead.

Now, there is a very important clarification to this. I am in no way saying that a couple should always view their partner with suspicion and mistrust. Quite the opposite. Just because you can't see into the box doesn't mean you should become obsessive about the outcome. You cannot change whether the cat is dead or not so just trust that it will be alive while understanding that at any time, that counter can detect radiation and things will end, shall we say, badly. It will give you a heightened appreciation for the relationship if you never lose sight of how precious and rare it is.

But all of the above applied to how individuals fair in a relationship. What about the well-being of the couple? Not all couples are made up of two 1's, two 2's, or two 3's and that complicates things a little. The next post will be dedicated to breaking those down in a pretty simple fashion.