Context is Everything: Part Two

By: Kelly

Luckily, we do have some control over context because so much of it is our own creation. Every person who has felt their hopes and dreams come crashing down and has experienced a reality check knows what I’m talking about. Part of it is always our fault for not expecting it- we build up expectations and assumptions and see things in a delusional way rather than see them through the cold, glaring outlook that the world has. Just like all great artists, we have to accept that our creations are just that- our mementos to life. Our personal diaries, our novels, our plays, our songs. Nothing more and nothing less.

How can you avoid being controlled and overwhelmed by context? Never have any expectations, only hopes. Stay grounded and take life as it comes. Realize that at the end of the day, you really don’t know a thing. If you do that, you’ll have a stronger sense of control and the blow of disappointment will never hit you quite as hard.

We make context for everything, including people. That is when context is most dangerous. The worst thing you can do is see a person as more than a person, or less than a person. I’ve written about this several times on our blog before. But it is so easy to fall into- in fact, it’s impossible not to. Every couple goes through a stage in which they see the other as infallible or “more than a person” but the shorter this time frame is, the better, because the disillusionment is essential for any relationship to be successful. Otherwise the entire relationship will be a puff of air, rather than a puff of air with a truly strong center which is what all good relationships are.

Recognize that context is a great tool, but like all tools, you have to know how to use it or it can cause more harm than good. Hold on to the center of a relationship- the core of reality that is surrounded by context. What is that core? It’s the truths that you and your partner share- what remains when all your expectations and assumptions are stripped away- your love and trust for each other and all of the qualities that bring out the best in the other person. It’s the nitty-gritty details of the relationship. It is all of the reasons you love spending time with someone rather than the daydreams you have about them when they aren’t around. Essentially, the core is not only all the ways your partner makes you happy, but also all the ways they bring out the best in you and make you a stronger person. We love people who make us love ourselves. It goes back to the question we always ask ourselves deep down: “What will I gain from this?” If the answer is acceptance but also confidence and independence but also dependence, you have a good, strong core. All good relationships are power couples- they are mutual sources of energy that feed off of each other and only grow sturdier. So we’ve come full circle- it really all does come down to self-interest. And that isn’t a bad thing.