Self-Realization

By: Monica

It was about three in the morning last night. I had chugged a vanilla coke ensuring I would not be able to submit myself to the relief that is sleep. And so, being that it was 3 AM and I needed to be annoying in some way, I began to complain to my roommate, Nicole.

Me: "I will never have a relationship."

Nicole: *attempting to off-the-cuff reassure me* "Don't worry, you have time. You'll find somebody."

Me: "No, that's not the point. I'm sure I could, I just don't want to."

Nicole: "You don't want to?"

Me: "No. I feel like I have to in order to be "happy and successful" in life but, in reality, I always shy away from it. A guy can like me, and I can like him back, and I will still deny it. There has to be a reason for that. Maybe something in my childhood wired me to be like that?"

Nicole: "That's a possibility but I'm not really the one to assume that, if you are a certain way, it's because of your childhood."

Me: "But, I mean, it's the only reason I can think of. The human race is predetermined to WANT a relationship and WANT romance and WANT somebody that will believe they are special. I don't. I've never moved past friendship because I never felt the need to. People cough it up to me being scared or nervous into getting involved. No, that's not it. I'm not scared. I'm not nervous. I just don't want to be attached. You think it's a commitment issue?"

Nicole: "Maybe. I'm sure you are not the only one that feels like this, though. I'm sure there are other people out there that have the same opinion."

Me: "Maybe. I have yet to find one. I just feel so selfish. I don't want to have to say, 'this is the right person'. I don't want to be exclusive. I just want to have a close friendship with somebody. A VERY close friendship. You'd think it would be easy to find a guy who wants the same thing, but it's not. Guys can sometimes be more romantically inclined than girls. And those who think like me are just assholes. One-night-stand fanatics. Until, of course, they find the right girl and then become completely enamored. There is no in-between."

Nicole: "Again, I'm sure you're not the only one out there." *searches something on Google* "Have you ever heard of an aromantic? Not a-space-romantic. Aromantic, one word."

Me: "Um, no. But that sounds like someone who is thoroughly disgusted by relationships in any way. I LIKE the idea of having someone for yourself to confide in. I LIKE seeing people extremely happy with someone else. I bring people together, for Heaven's sake! I love it! Just not for me."

Nicole: "Exactly. Listen to this definition: 'An aromantic is one who may or may not be repulsed by relationships and romance in general, but in relation to themselves or themselves in reality, it is not a desire. This does not mean that an aromantic is incapable of having a romantic relationship. However, the lack of desire to have a romantically exclusive relationship plays a large role in the love life of an aromantic. Many will not have a relationship until well into their twenties or beyond. This is by choice and does not mean they do not have relationships of other sorts.' Sounds kind of like you, eh? They even have a forum."

Me: *still a bit skeptical* "Maybe."

At this point, I was intruiged. I started up my computer and read a couple of entries until I was sure that this was a label for me. Here is the post that convinced me so:

"I've been calling myself aromantic not because I don't understand or am incapable of romance. I've had crushes, even mutual ones, but I avoided relationships because it's the idea that I really like, not the reality. The thought of being in a relationship had definite appeal, but the thought of giving up my privacy appalled me (and it had already begun--the guy and I had only hung out once or twice before I had people who were only acquaintances sitting me down and begging for all the details of my fledgling love life). The cons vastly outweighed the pros.

But I've also realized that there are MANY different kinds of attraction, and trying to lump them all into either "sexual" or "romantic" only compounds the confusion. Looking back, I honestly don't know if I have ever experienced true romantic attraction. But I have experienced intellectual attraction, and aesthetic attraction, and hero-worship, and a sort of maternal attraction when someone is feeling badly and I desperately want to comfort them. The symptoms might be similar to those of romantic attraction, so much so that I presumed I was feeling romantic attraction when really I was just flattered that someone cute, nice, and smart was giving me the time of day. :P But when I thought about it, I realized that romance really wasn't what I wanted.

I don’t crave that type of arrangement, I only see it as a possibility and not one that’s very likely, as there aren’t many people who would be compatible with me, or that I would feel I wanted that type of relationship with."

And so I have atleast a somewhat understanding of my thoughts and actions: my lack of interest in an exclusive relationship, my happiness in others' relationship successes, my bipolar personality towards those I am attracted to, and my extremely diverse "taste" in guys.

Just hoping this will maybe help some of you understand yourselves, as well as others, more deeply. If someone doesn't see themselves in a relationship, it doesn't necessarily mean they are afraid.